


Mirror Image

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: Reaper76 [9]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Background Character Death, Blood, Blood and Injury, Child Death, Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Estrangement, Flashbacks, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Promises, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Trust Issues, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 17:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16602554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: He didn’t recognise the man in the mirror…who was he?Blackwatch was a necessary evil, it was why Jack had agreed to take the position because it was what Overwatch needed and it was what Gabriel needed in a world where a large target had just been painted on his back. But Jack wasn’t Gabriel…he wasn’t meant for that kind of work and yet with no way out he learns to adapt, until a devastating mission that leaves him with blood on his hands reveals just how much of himself he has lost to the job, to the point where he doesn’t know who Jack Morrison is anymore. Haunted by the memories of that mission and trapped on base he begins to come apart at the seams. The others can see him falling apart, but with the distance he has put between them they’re at a loss to help, unaware of just how close to the edge he is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Reaper76 BigBang 2017, Please check out the amazing art done by my  
> partner Tatch: http://tatchloup.tumblr.com/post/163142557590/my-contribution-to-thereaper76bigbang-d-i-was who was great to work with <3

_“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.”_   


― [David Leviathan](http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/11664.David_Levithan), [Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List](http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2891169)

****

_There was blood on his coat, on his boots, on his hands and he staggered backwards, his gun suddenly too heavy in his arms and he let it fall to the side. He didn’t want to look, didn’t want to add their faces to the endless list that seemed to play through his mind on a loop these days, but he had to look…he owed them that much at least, and so he took a deep breath and lifted his head. They were young, barely adults, their mouths open as though they had been screaming. They probably had, and he couldn’t take any comfort from the fact that they were armed to the teeth, closing his eyes as he bowed his head, he wasn’t religious, but he felt like he needed to do something for them if the words of a killer were worth anything._

_“You killed them!” The scream startled him, and he brought the weapon up at once, firing on instinct even before he had taken in the age of the boy bearing down on him, eyes focusing on the pistol in his hands. He barely registered the sting in his cheek which told him he had been grazed, because his shot had hit its target, the boy stumbling and falling against him, the gun falling to the floor with a clatter. Then there were hands clawing at his coat, tugging at him and he obeyed the silent demand, looking down and flinching at the hatred, the fear in the clouding eyes, and he let his own weapon fall._

_“I’m sorry.” It was worthless, empty words spoken in a hollow voice but it was all he had. The boy’s grip tightened for a moment, his teeth bared in a bloody snarl._

_“You killed them…” It was barely a whisper of sound, draining the last of the boy’s strength and he could do nothing but watch as he fell, unable to move under the empty, accusing gaze that seemed to see right through him._

   Jack carefully avoided looking in the mirror as he splashed water on his face, washing the sweat from his skin and clearing the evidence of tears that had slipped out while he was asleep. He wished that it was just as easy to wash away the memories, the nightmares that had chased him out of bed at this ungodly hour, grimacing as he leant forward and pressed his head against the cool mirror. _Damn it._ His eyes were stinging again, bile rising in the back of his throat as he closed his eyes, unable to shake the image of those eyes burning into him.

“I killed them.” How often had he said those words to himself? It had been so much easier during the Omnic Crisis. It was easier to separate what he was doing when he was facing down Omnics, even when many of them had been eerily human-like at times. In fact, some of them had been more human than the soldiers he had fought alongside, but there had still been a distance between them, whether real or imagined. That distance was gone now. The people he was fighting, hunting down – killing, were human, they were just like him…destroyed by his own hands, along with bits of himself that he doubted he would be able to get back. He bit his bottom lip to hold back the sob that wanted to well up, slowly lifting his head and forcing himself to open his eyes, staring at his reflection with hollow eyes. He didn’t recognise the man in the mirror. He studied himself for a moment, taking in the empty eyes, the dark shadows that seemed to have taken up residence under his eyes, the still healing cut on his cheek.

Who was he?

    There were no answers to be found in the mirror, he already knew that after many a sleepless night spent in front of it trying to find some hint of himself and after a moment he tore his gaze away from his reflection. Splashing a last little bit of water onto his face, he turned on his heels and headed back to the bedroom, coming up short as he was once again greeted by the reality of the empty bed and the silence that should have been broken by deep, rumbling snores.

Another loss.

   Another thing stolen away by the job and he closed his eyes, trying to pretend that he didn’t miss Gabriel, that the urge to go down the corridor to the other man’s quarters wasn’t overwhelming especially with the nightmares still replaying too close to the surface. He didn’t though, unable to remember the last time they had spent a night together, let alone the last time they had managed to talk without work coming between them - without fighting. He was so tired of fighting, of spitting angry words that were meant to hurt even when every part of him was aching to say something different, something softer. To tell Gabe that no matter what had changed between them, his feelings hadn’t changed. It would never happen, it could never happen.

_I have to protect him._

    There would be no more sleep tonight he realised, and with a sigh he moved across to the chair where he had flung his uniform the night before, not caring that it probably needed washing and instead yanking it back on, fingers trembling as he brushed them over the Blackwatch insignia on his coat. Part of him longed to rip it off, to toss it in the envelope along with his resignation letter - the letter that he had written weeks ago or was it months ago? The letter that he knew he would never hand in, even though the job was tearing him apart piece by piece, even though it had pushed Gabriel away from him. Or had that been him? He had taken the position for Gabe anyway, he had agreed to work from the shadows to make sure that Overwatch was a success. _And look where that got me…_ There was a ripping noise, and he cursed as he realised he had partly managed to tear it off and he yanked his fingers away before he could give in to the temptation to finish the deed. Yanking on the coat and heading for the door as quickly as he could, he needed to get out of here and out of his head.

    He was unsurprised to find the training rooms lit up when he reached them. A quick check on the far room confirming that it was Genji who was tearing his way through the targets and for a moment he watched his newest recruit work, marvelling at his skill with the shuriken and the fluidity of his movement even though his body was still a work in process. He didn’t disturb him though. He knew that the younger man preferred to train alone unless McCree was available, and with these memories and his thoughts about Gabriel on his mind he was going to be poor company anyway. Instead, he turned and headed for another room, choosing the one furthest from Genji and ignoring Athena’s cautioning message about the amount of time he had been spending on the ranges and what time it was, hating the fact that it almost sounded like she cared.

    Once inside he keyed it to the hardest setting, trying not to think about the number of times he had worked through this simulation with Gabriel as he headed for the weapons cabinet. His efforts to avoid thoughts of Gabe were wrecked when he realised that their weapons were still hung next to one another and for a moment he ghosted his hands over the twin shotguns, lips twisting up in a bitter smile. How many times had he been saved by those weapons? By Gabriel? Nowadays he had to watch his own back, they were rarely in the field together and even when they were the distance that had crept in between them left him wondering if the other man would even have his back. Taking a deep breath, he reached for his own weapon instead, the heavy weight of the pulse rifle giving him something physical to ground himself with and as he went through the routine of checking it, he felt some of the turmoil in his mind beginning to quiet.

    It was only when he felt something approximating calm that he stepped out of the preparation area, shifting his rifle into the ready position as the room shimmered around him before the metal walls disappeared and he found himself standing in a warehouse, immediately alert as he heard the clatter of a bot behind him. At once he swung around, eyes immediately locating the bot and he fired without thought, the familiar smell of pulse munitions flooding his nose and then he was moving, twisting to face the next bot and the next and at some point, everything else seemed to fade away.

He never made it back to bed that night.

****

    He was on his fourth cup of coffee, although it had been years since caffeine had done much for him, the SEP enhancements burning through it in seconds when the door to his office burst open. He knew even before lifting his head who it was, recognising the heavy footsteps and hating the way his heart twisted with a mix of longing and anger. _Gabe._ As much as he wanted to see the other man, he didn’t, and he was slow to lift his head, unsurprised to see the dark scowl Gabriel was wearing or the way that his hands were buried in the folds of his coat. Something he only did when he was angry enough to lash out and Jack sighed, this wasn’t a friendly visit then. Not that he had thought it was as it seemed like years since Gabriel had stepped into his office without the sole purpose of lambasting him for one mission or another. He leant back in his chair, abandoning his coffee and trying to ignore the bile rising at the back of his throat, locking his hands together in his lap to try and hide the tremor that he could feel building.

“What do you want Reyes?” He hated how tired he sounded, how defeated, but he lacked the energy or willpower to try and hide it at the moment, and for half a second he saw Gabriel falter Did he see it? Did he realise that Jack was slipping? Part of Jack wanted him to, even if his response was just to demote him or fire him altogether. Another part hated the thought of Gabriel seeing him in this state, and it was almost a relief when Gabriel shut the door behind him before moving to stand in front of him.

“You screwed up.”

     Gabriel didn’t need to say anything else. Those words slammed into Jack, and it took everything he had to stop himself from falling apart there and then, empty, accusing eyes flashing through his mind once more and hidden by the desk he curled his hands into fists.

“You think I don’t know that?” He asked softly, a spark of anger struggling to fight its way through the exhausted haze that had settled over him. “I was there G…Reyes.” He couldn’t let himself be too familiar right now, if he did, then he would shatter because in the past Gabriel had always been there to catch him, holding him close on nights when a mission had gone wrong. Soothing him through the worst days of SEP when all he had wanted to die. That was gone now, signified by the careful distance Gabriel was maintaining from his desk, although it didn’t stop the feeling that he was looming over him, demanding answers and slowly Jack continued, hating himself more with each word. “I was there, my fingers were on the trigger. I made a choice.”

“Maybe you made the wrong choice.”

“Maybe I did.” Jack’s heart ached at the cold words and the easy way they had been spat at him. Despite everything he had been hoping for something else, for some sign that Gabriel understood why he had done what he had done. Then again, he didn’t understand what he had done, and he closed his eyes, bowing his head in defeat. There was nothing he could say in his defence, and he could feel the blood in his palms from where his nails were digging into his skin. “It won’t happen again.” It was a lie. How many times had he promised himself that? How many times had he already broken his word? This was what the job was, what it needed to be to protect Overwatch, to protect Gabriel. It was all he had left to hold onto as everything else seemed to be slipping away from him, he needed to hold onto it, and when he lifted his head his was voice was steady once more, even though he was coming apart on the inside.  “Was there anything else Strike-Commander?”

    Gabriel actually looked startled at his words and Jack flinched when he realised that the other man was studying him more closely now, something like realisation dawning in the dark eyes and he fought the urge to curl in on himself. _Don’t look at me like that. Don’t offer me what we can’t have._ As always Gabriel seemed to be deaf to his thoughts, even though there had been a time when neither of them had needed words or the other man to understand, and Gabriel took a step forward, the anger visibly draining from his expression and when he spoke his voice was softer than Jack had heard it in a long time.

“Jack…”

“Don’t…” Jack choked out the words, feeling his efforts to hold himself together being undermined by that single word and he rose to his feet, needed to feel on a more even ground with Gabriel and using the movement to take a couple of steps backwards, increasing the distance between them.  “Unless things are actually going to change don’t say it.” _I can’t bear it…_

    There was a complicated mix of emotions on Gabriel’s face, and for a moment Jack felt as though maybe they were on the same page for once, that perhaps the other man understood, that the quiet whisper of his name had meant something. Then Gabriel was straightening, adopting the stern mask that he used when he was acting solely as Strike Commander, voice hard, although thankfully it lacked the coldness from before.

“Blackwatch isn’t to take any more missions until this mess blows over.” Jack opened his mouth to protest, not because he disagreed but because what else was he supposed to do? This job was all he had these days, and as much as it was tearing him apart, he needed it. The thought of being trapped on base with nothing to do leaving a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, but Gabriel lifted a hand to stop him, and he bit back the words, staring at him with pained eyes. “I suggest you use the time to consider your words and to make some changes around here.”

    It wasn’t a request, and Jack heard the unspoken. _And sort yourself out…_ and he had to fight not to snap at the other man, hands curling at his sides as he stared at Gabriel, expression blank as he forced everything back until he could trust his voice not to waver.

“Understood.” There was nothing more to say, at least not without it disintegrating into yet another shouting match and he was relieved when Gabriel stared at him for a moment later before turning on his heel and storming out of the office.

    As soon as the door had closed behind the other man, he found himself staggering back until he hit the filing cabinet, the dull clang stopping him mid-step and then he was falling, sliding down until he was resting against it and he buried his head between his knees. _Damn it._ He had known it was coming, recognised that there was no way to hide a mission like that…but suspension? Oh, Gabriel hadn’t used those words, but Jack knew that he meant and he could feel the failure pressing in on him, trying not to imagine conveying the news to his men…trying not to think about all the intel piling up on his desk, the threats to be dealt with that he was now powerless to deal with. Trying not to think about how many of those threats were aimed at the Strike-Commander…at Gabriel.

****

     Gabriel was still cursing and growling under his breath as he stormed into his own office a few minutes later, slamming the door shut behind him and sinking back against it, his anger fading as abruptly as it had risen. _Damn it, Jack._ He knew that he should have waited to talk to the other man about the mission, but the pictures and reports that had crossed his desk that morning been too brutal and he had reacted without thinking because that was something that the Jack Morrison he knew would never have been capable of. He snorted at that thought. How long had it been since he could honestly say that he knew Jack? It had scared him to look at Jack and realise that the man in front of him was a stranger, and he had lashed out, been too harsh because he wanted the old Jack back and he had a feeling that he had just made things worse instead.

    That seemed to be all he did these days, and he wasn’t sure why. At first, he had thought that it was just Jack pushing him away, hell, he’d even entertained the thought that Jack was struggling to adapt to the fact that he had been given the Strike-Commander position. That thought hadn’t lasted for long, not least because Jack had pointed out quite ardently that he was perfectly happy without that kind of responsibility ‘thank you very much’, and that Overwatch needed someone who was willing to say no to the U.N when required and they both knew that he wasn’t the right one for that. But then Jack had been there in the early days when Gabriel was questioning what the hell he had been doing in the role, and he hadn’t hesitated when Gabriel had pleaded with him to lead Blackwatch when he had been pushed to create the covert force.

So, how had they got to this point? To the point where they slept in separate quarters, and where they couldn’t seem to exchange a single word without it turning into a fight? And how did he fix it?

    He was just contemplating whether to go back and try again, although he knew that Jack would be less willing to talk to him than ever after their previous conversation or to bury himself in the work still waiting for his attention when there was a sharp knock on the door. He was tempted to ignore it, unable to face the thought of dealing with anyone or anything else right now, but he wasn’t given a chance as there was another knock and he sighed. There was only one person who was that impatient with him these days, and he knew better than to ignore her, pushing himself away from the door and reluctantly turning and opening. “Ana…”

    Ana stared at him for a moment, one eyebrow raised at his tone, but then she sighed and stepped inside, ignoring his protest as she nudged him away from the door. “Let me in.” It wasn’t a request and to be honest, he didn’t dare push her away right now, and he obediently moved away and watched numbly as she closed the door behind them before thumbing the security to emergency only before rounding on him, hands on her hips.  “Sit down before you fall down Gabriel. I’ll make us tea, and you can tell me what happened.” Gabriel didn’t waste his energy trying to argue with her, he had learned the hard way that rarely worked out in his favour, having lost count of the number of times he and Jack had ended up out for the count because she had used her sleep dart on them.

   She took her time as he settled himself on the sofa he had insisted on putting in the office, for times like this when he wasn’t just Strike Commander, but also Gabriel Reyes. He could hear her pottering around in the corner where he kept the coffee machine and the kettle, the latter added when she had complained one too many times about not being able to have tea, and he knew that she was taking her time on purpose, giving him time to calm down and gather his thoughts.

    By the time she finally came to sit beside him he felt almost normal again, and his hands were steady when he reached out to take the mug she was dangling in front of him, latching onto the warmth and taking a cautious sip. It was sweet, too sweet and he grimaced but didn’t complain, trying not to think about the time he and Jack had decided to see how much sugar it took to get their SEP enhanced bodies to the point of being hyper. They had never found the answer because Ana had caught them, calling them ten kinds of idiot and making off with their sugar supply. His lips quirked despite himself, remembering how Jack had pouted at her response and how over the moon he had been when little Fareeha had snuck back to them a while later with the confiscated sugar. _I wonder what he would do now…_ As quickly as it had come, his humour disappeared as he realised that he honestly didn’t have an answer to that question, and his expression must’ve shifted because Ana’s fingers brushed his arm lightly.

“Tell me.”

“It’s Jack…” Her exasperated sigh told him that much had been obvious and despite himself, he smiled, of course, it was Jack - it was always Jack. His gaze wondered for a moment, drifting to the photo frames that lined his desk. He couldn’t see the photos from where they were, but he knew them off by heart - one of the two of them dancing around like loons the day the Crisis had ended. The one of Jack fast asleep on the beach during a rare holiday, the original strike team standing in front of the ribbon the day they had opened the Zurich base, and other random snapshots of their life together. His favourite sat in the centre, the two of them crushed into a tiny armchair that was barely built for one, let alone two soldiers, with Fareeha curled up asleep in their lap. Neither of them dared to move for fear of waking her, and in the snapshot that Ana had taken Jack had been looking at the pair of them with the softest expression that Gabe had ever seen on his face.

“He’s slipping Ana,” he whispered after a moment, his gaze lingering on the photos for a moment longer, struggling to reconcile the man he had just been speaking with to the vibrant man in the photos and he closed his eyes for a moment before forcing himself to look up at Ana. “You should have seen him, I’ve never seen him look so exhausted…so defeated.” That had been the scariest thing he decided. It had looked as though Jack was ready to shatter with the slightest touch or wrong word, something that Gabriel had never thought him capable of and yet right now he couldn’t help but feel that if Jack broke, he wouldn’t be able to fix him. “And I made it worse…”

“You argued again?” Gabriel didn’t dignify that with an answer, and Ana sighed before looking away for a moment, only the way her fingers were tapping the side of the cup betraying her agitation, and he waited, knowing that she had more to say. “What did you say to him?” _This time…_

“I told him that he screwed up. That he made the wrong choice, and then I suspended Blackwatch.” _I suspended him,_ he couldn’t look at her as he replied, he knew that he had been harsh, but he had been angry and scared, and the U.N. was breathing down his neck after the mission had been leaked in the media. And this was Jack…he wasn’t supposed to be this breakable. _Excuses._ He growled at himself, hastily setting the mug down before he could shatter it. “I know I was too harsh, but Ana, those were teenagers. There should have been a better choice, and I thought that maybe some time off would help him, but…”

“You of all people should know that it isn’t that simple.”

“I…” He couldn’t argue with her, because he did know that it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t the first time he and Jack had faced down youngsters recruited by the enemy. Most of the time they had managed to get out of the situation without killing them, but not always…sometimes there hadn’t been a way out. _When did I forget that?_ He closed his eyes, fingers slipping down to tangle with the material of his coat, already knowing the answer to that question. It was when they had made him Strike-Commander. Just like that everything decision had become twice as complicated, or rather he had started to second guess everything, started to think less a soldier and more as a bureaucrat. He groaned, burying his head in his hands, startled when Ana wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“It’s not just you.” Ana murmured, and there was an odd note in her voice that made him glance up just in time to spy the sorrowful expression that passed over her face. “Things were simpler in the past, and we’ve all changed.”

“Ana…”   

“But this thing with Jack is different,” Ana cut across him, all business once more and there was no way for him to escape her piercing gaze when she twisted so that they were facing each other. “I told you that job wasn’t the right for him.”

    Gabriel pulled a face at that as he recalled just how against the idea she had been when he had first raised the idea. She had warned both of them that it was a bad idea and now that he thought back, he could remember how Jack had hesitated at her words and looked as though he might even agree with her, if only for a moment. However, Gabriel had brushed her concerns aside, trusting in Jack even though deep down part of him had always known that he was asking Jack to be something…someone…that he wasn’t, and his shoulders sank.

“I know,” he whispered. “And part of me agreed with what you were saying, but who else would you have given it to? Blackwatch has…had…the potential to be everything we needed and we couldn’t just leave it in anyone’s hands.” It hurt to talk about Blackwatch in the past tense, but he knew that something had to change, even if it was just to help Jack and back then there hadn’t been anyone else that he could trust to take the position. The U.N. had made it clear that the autonomy they’d had as a Strike team was a thing of the past, and he knew that anyone they suggested for the post would have been groomed towards their interests and not Overwatch. “You refused to be even considered for the post, Reinhardt would be the worst covert agent in history and Tjorbörn would never leave engineering.”

“I know, but…”

“What am I going to do?” Gabriel asked softly once it was clear that she wasn’t going to continue, wishing that he could feel some kind of triumph at having silenced her arguments for once, but right now he felt nearly as defeated as Jack had looked earlier. There hadn’t been another choice back then…but he should have done something before now, but he had been putting it off, hoping that things would fix themselves and feeling safer having Jack there to watch his back. _Selfish…_ his hands curled into fists as he looked down, remembering how Jack had pushed him away, calling him ‘Strike Commander Reyes’ and increasing the physical distance between them, and right then he couldn’t blame him. “Ana…” _Help me._

“You need to make a choice,” Ana’s voice was the gentlest he’d ever heard it, and he watched as she reached out to gently tap the insignia in the middle of his chest. “This…or him.”

“Ana, it’s…”

“Not that simple?” Ana finished for him with an arched eyebrow, and numbly he nodded, and she sighed before reaching out to rescue his abandoned tea, handing him the mug. “Then you have to make it that simple. Drink your tea and think about what you want to do, and what Jack needs you to do and make a decision, but make sure it’s your decision and no one else’s.” Leaning in she pressed a kiss to his cheek, before rising and heading for the door, leaving him staring after her with wide-eyes, fingers trembling slightly as he obediently lifted the mug and took a sip of his tea.

_Make it that simple…_

_But, what do I even want?_

_And what does Jack really need?_


	2. Chapter 2

    It was three a.m., and Jack was in the training rooms again, sweat dripping down his face as he rolled out of the way of a particularly determined bot, the rifle feeling like a lead weight in his arms. He had slept for maybe an hour before the nightmares had hit, although after his conversation with Gabriel it had changed slightly, the other man appearing behind him when he was transfixed by the empty, burning gaze and reminding him in that cold, hard voice that he had made the wrong choice. _You screwed up. You made the wrong choice._ He had bolted upright in the too large bed, sobs wracking him, chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath through the panic gripping him and he’d fled the room without even trying to sort himself out, terrified of what he would see in the mirror tonight.

    That had been four hours ago, and now exhaustion was pressing in on him, slowing his movements, dulling his reactions and yet still he pushed himself onwards. Athena’s concerned warnings had long since been set to silent as had his communicator, not that anyone would be looking for him and not just because of the time. His own men were currently torn between anger at the suspension and elation at an unexpected holiday, and they had all gone out of their way to avoid him that afternoon after he’d passed on the news. Even McCree and Genji had made themselves scarce, and it had been ages since he had spent any time with the old Strike Team outside of mandatory meetings. On the tail of that thought came the realisation that he couldn’t even remember the last time he had seen little Fareeha, let alone spent time with her, even though there had been a time when at least one evening a week was spent playing with her.

    A burning pain in his shoulder dragged him back into the present, and he hissed through his teeth, returning fire and hearing the satisfying sound of the bot falling with a clatter of metal before he scuttled back into shelter, resting his rifle in his lap and glancing down. Blood was already soaking into his uniform, hidden against the black, but when he pressed a hand against it his palm came away crimson, and he grimaced. It had been a long time since one of the bots had got a lucky shot in and he cursed himself for getting distracted, only to find his breath catching as he stared down at his hands… only this time it wasn’t his blood that he was seeing, but that of the teens and he closed his eyes, breath coming hard and fast as the memory of those eyes flashed through his mind again. _I killed them. I screwed up. I’m sorry._ The thoughts were like quicksilver, flashing through his mind too quickly for him to grasp hold of and he felt like he was drowning, almost wished that he was.

“Jack.”

    _I killed them. I made the wrong choice._ Why couldn’t he move past this? It wasn’t the first time he had killed people, it was part of the job, and they weren’t even the youngest…he shuddered, remembering that dreadful day when they had learned that the Omnics they had taken down had been holding hostages that no one had warned them about, remembering the long night huddling with Gabriel as they mourned for the civilians unwittingly caught in their fire. But that had been different, he didn’t know why and couldn’t explain it even if someone asked him. But that last mission…

_It was my fault._

“JACK!” There were hands on his arms, the touch making him flinch violently, frantically grasping for a weapon that he hadn’t even realised he’d sent flying in his panic. He wasn’t allowed to get it, the hands tightening on his arms and he snarled, twisting and turning, desperately trying to free himself even as something screamed at him to just surrender. To let them end this. “Jack! Look at me!” A voice was pleading with him, slowly breaking through the haze that had settled over his thoughts and he blinked, lids heavy, vision blurring for a moment. Blue…he could see blue, and the slightest flash of yellow and he flinched again, knowing just who had found him, who had seen him in this state, and he fought back a whimper, biting at his bottom lip, using the pain to ground himself.

“Gabe…” He hadn’t meant to use the nickname, and it sounded strange to his own ears, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at the other man, ducking his head, shame colouring his cheeks as he fell back on the distance that he had built up between them. “Strike- Commander Reyes.”

“Jackie,” Gabriel whispered, and Jack flinched violently, eyes widening as he found himself staring down at his lap, hands twisting together, turning them so that he could see the blood against his skin. How long had it been since he’d heard that nickname? Or been addressed with anything but anger, or cool distance? He blinked again, realising that Gabriel was still holding onto his arms, fingers squeezing lightly as though he was trying to get his attention and he lifted his head, not sure what to make of the expression on Gabriel’s face and not daring to say anything. After all, what could he say? Sorry I screwed up? Sorry I made the wrong choice? Sorry that you trusted me to do this job, even though I can’t handle it? If anything, his silence seemed to distress Gabriel more, his hold tightening although not enough to hurt Jack noticed with numbly. “What happened?”

    He was talking about more than what he had just walked in on, more than the blood that Jack realised was still trickling down his shoulder. Jack knew that much and yet he didn’t want to think about any of that right now, certain that he would break if they did, and so he glanced down at his shoulder trying not to think about the memory of other blood…innocent blood.

“I was distracted.” _I was realising just how much I’ve lost._

“You don’t get distracted,” Gabriel pointed out sounding almost gently, and Jack wanted to hate him for it. Instead, he found himself leaning into the grip on his arms. _That’s how you used to sound…_ there was a dull ache in his chest, and just like that anger bubbled up, and he yanked himself back out of the grip which had been so comforting seconds before, the ache intensifying when Gabriel let him go.

“What do you know?” He spat the words, reaching up to grip his shoulder, putting pressure on the wound and using the pain to focus himself. He saw Gabriel flinch at his words and he felt like flinching too, it hadn’t been that long ago that he would have confidently said that no one knew him better, but now… he could feel the distance stretching out between them again, a chasm of his own creation and he shrank back. “Go back to be Gabriel.” _Why are you here anyway? These are Blackwatch rooms or are you taking that from me as well…?_ He didn’t realise that he was still speaking aloud, the words coming out in a rush until he saw Gabriel recoiling, eyes wide, looking as though he had never seen them before and he snapped his mouth shut and glanced away. _Damn it…_

“Jack, that isn’t…”

“Goodnight,” Jack cut him off abruptly, not wanting to hear the excuses, the promise that things would get better that he could see in Gabriel’s expression. Things weren’t going to get better, even if this current situation cleared up, there would be another and another. There would be more blood and more arguments, and Jack didn’t want to hear about a world where things could be better and know that it wasn’t going to happen and so he straightened. “Just protect my men.” The plea slipped out before he could stop it, and he couldn’t bring himself to regret it, because the agents he worked with were good men and women…maybe not always, he grimaced at the thought of where some of them had come from, what they had done…but they were now, and he didn’t want them to pay for his mistakes.

“Of course, but…” That was all Jack had wanted to hear and before Gabriel could finish speaking he pushed past him, deftly eluding the hand that reached for him as he all but bolted for the door. He could hear Gabriel ordering Athena to lock the door, but it was too late, and as soon as he was in the corridor he broke into a run. Glad that there was no one else about at his hour to watch his retreat as he fled from Gabriel, from the past and the future that he couldn’t have.

**

    The next morning found Jack sat at his desk staring blankly down at the pile of files that had been waiting for him when he arrived, no doubt intended to keep him occupied and out of mischief while he was confined to the base. Instead, it felt like they were taunting him, reminding him of the work he should really be doing but was no longer allowed to do…adding to it, because he knew that there would be information in these files, leads that they needed to follow up and he felt sick as he pushed them away, unable to bear the thought of reading about more threats, more battles to be fought, more deaths needed for the sake of peace.

    Needing something to distract him he leant back, hissing as the movement reminded him about his injured shoulder. He should have gone up to see Angela, but he hadn’t been able to bear the thought of seeing the same judgement and disappoint in her eyes, knowing that she had disapproved of the idea of a covert branch from the beginning, worried that it would just perpetuate the conflict. And he was scared that she would see how to the edge he was and call him on it, and so he’d patched it up himself, grateful for the medical training he had picked up over the years. Resting a hand over the bandages and willing it to heal quickly he reached out to flick on the television, immediately regretting it when he found himself staring at the Zurich base for a moment before the camera zoomed in on Gabriel standing at the press podium.

    He spared half a thought for the fact that the other man looked wearier that he had in a while, the way his fingers tapped against the podium, a nervous tic that he had never managed to get rid of and for a moment he felt a flicker of pity for the other man. Then he realised that Gabriel was speaking, and a chill swept over him as the words began to register.

_‘…the Agents involved in the incident had been suspended while we carry out a full investigation into what happened. However, I would…’_

   Jack turned it off again, swallowing harshly against the bile that had risen at Gabriel’s words. He didn’t want to hear anymore, couldn’t stomach the thought of Gabriel standing there and saying that Blackwatch had his full support, that Jack had his full support. He knew that he should be grateful that Gabriel had kept his word about keeping names out of the media, although he knew that it was probably too late in his case. His name was too well known, and he had already seen it bandied around in the first reports. Staring at the darkened screen, he almost wished that Gabriel had just said his name, that he had pinned it all on him, after all, he was the Commander, and it had been his hands that were stained with blood. He knew that if his name were given now, then it would paint a target on him, that all the outrage and frustration would lock onto him and he almost wanted it. Maybe then the memories that haunted him day and night would fade away, those accusing eyes that seemed to follow him wherever he went…and he would be free of this job once and for all because there was no way the U.N. or the public would let him stay once his role was confirmed.

It wouldn’t happen.

    For better or worse he knew that he was trapped, if they were going to remove him, then there would already be signs. Instead, the suspension was there to give them time for the outcry to die down, for lectures and condemnation and orders to change their methods. He knew how it worked, had seen it happen before and he hated it. Hated that there was nothing he could really do because he knew that speaking up, creating a fuss would only cause problems for Gabriel and as tense as things were between them he didn’t want that. It didn’t make it any easier to bear, and there was bile in his throat again, pain lancing through his shoulder as he pressed the palms of his hands into burning eyes.

_What am I supposed to do?_

****

    Gabriel breathed a sigh of relief as he managed to escape the claws of the media, questions and accusations still ringing through his ears as he made a beeline for the safety of his office, although he knew that it wouldn’t be long before the U.N. was back on his case. For now, though he would take what peace he could get, relieved to see other people moving out of his way although it did make him wonder what was written across his face. Exhaustion probably - he hadn’t managed to sleep after his encounter with Jack in the early hours, and despite his enhancements, he could feel it beginning to catch up on him, and it had been harder than he cared to admit staying focused on the press conference.

    Reaching his office, he slipped inside and quickly locked it until only Jack or Ana would be able to get inside, trying not to think about how much he wanted it to be the former. There had been a time, back when he had first been promoted that it had been unheard of for an entire day to pass with Jack turning up in his office, usually under the pretext of business but more than once he had just shown up and stayed. Those had been the days when Jack’s expression had always been open, blue eyes still bright and holding a touch of naivety that had somehow endured the Omnic Crisis and he had laughed easily, talked easily… it had been so easy. Words, when they had been needed, had meant just what they said, and often words hadn’t even been needed. He missed those days.

He missed Jack.

    There was a heaviness to his step as he moved across to his desk that had nothing to do with exhaustion, but everything to do with the image of Jack huddling behind that holographic wall, shivering and shaking, eyes focused on the blood on his hand.

    It had been a long time since he had felt anything close to the fear that had gripped him when Jack hadn’t responded to him when there was no sign that the other man had even realised that Gabriel had called a halt to the simulation. He had been a step away from calling Angela or Ana for help when Jack had finally responded, and even now he couldn’t help but think that he should have given in to the urge, that this was too much for him to handle on his own. Sure, Jack had reacted…had even called him Gabe, a nickname that he’d been starting to think he might never hear again, and for a moment it had almost felt like things were normal, ‘Jackie’ tripping so easily off his tongue. Then it had gone downhill, Jack mistaking his intent and Gabriel being too slow to put him straight before the barriers had gone up, and when had Jack got so good at shutting him out?

    He knew that Jack hadn’t gone to the infirmary, he had swung past on his way back to bed, hoping… praying that Jack would be there, and he would have a chance to say the right thing this time, but the lights had been dimmed, the room empty apart from the two agents still recovering from that disastrous mission, and there had been no sign of Angela. Part of him wanted to tear Jack a new one for that, but he knew that would only make things worse at this stage. It hadn’t stopped him from reviewing the footage from the training range just to make sure Jack hadn’t been hiding worse injuries, but while the wound would hurt like hell for the next few days. It wouldn’t take long to heal with their enhancements and he knew at least that Jack had the training to take care of it, not that it stopped him worrying and he had been hoping to catch him that morning, but he knew that Jack hadn’t left his office since arriving there far too early according to Athena.

     That left his concerns over Jack’s emotional and mental state, and he had no idea what to do. The part of him that was buried in regulations and maintaining the public image of Overwatch was screaming at him to report it to Angela, to make Jack get proper help even if Jack hated him for it. No, it wasn’t just that part of him that wanted that, the part of him that still loved Jack so much it frightened him wanted it as well, wanted to do anything in his power to stop something like this morning happening again. But it wasn’t going to change anything, because Jack was too valuable a soldier to be let go even if he was coming apart at the seams.

   He had seen it happen before. Lyons who had been one of the few to graduate alongside them had been caught in one of the worst massacres of the Crisis, one of the few survivors to emerge from a city that had been under Omnic occupation for nearly two months before the Strike Team had managed to lead its liberation. At first, he had seemed fine, recovering swiftly from his injuries and begging to be let back in the field and with the Crisis, there had been little choice…and then he had deteriorated, the slightest noise could set him off, the wrong word and they had tried to get out of there. Pointed out that there was plenty of work to be done that wasn’t on the frontline, but their words had fallen on deaf ears because Lyons was a SEP graduate, which meant that his place was with them. Fighting. In the end, Lyons had been killed in action, freezing in the middle of a firefight as the memories overwhelmed him and Gabriel had never forgiven them for that.

    It should be different now, they were in a time of relative peace despite the pockets of trouble they were still dealing with, but he knew that it wasn’t. No one really wanted a SEP enhanced soldier loose amongst the public, he knew that was why the U.N. had been so keen for them to remain with Overwatch. Not just because they were useful, but because it meant they could keep an eye on them. And he knew that if they knew that Jack was coming apart at the seams, then they would never let him go, they would push him into action and it would be Lyons all over again. That wasn’t an outcome he was willing to accept, not for Jack. But he had to do something…

_You have to make a decision._

    Ana’s advice echoed in his mind, and he scowled. _Easier said than done Ana…_ the same limitations applied to him, and he doubted his status as Strike Commander offered him that much protection, and even if it did his hands were tied until the investigation was done. Petras had made that much plain to him at the emergency meeting once details of the mission had been made public. Gabriel had a say in proceedings, but it wouldn’t be the deciding one and until he knew that Blackwatch and Jack were safe from any reprisals he couldn’t begin to make his next move, helplessness leaving a bitter taste on his tongue as he imagined Jack huddled on the floor again. He had been lucky that he had been unable to sleep and had gone in search of him, what would happen if he wasn’t there? If Athena couldn’t get help? He could ask Ana, but she had enough on her plate balancing work and Fareeha. Reinhardt was incapable of stealth. Angela was too busy…

    He had never put too much stock in the idea of a lightbulb going off, planning was the way to go, Jack had always been the spontaneous or as Gabriel preferred to phrase it ‘reckless’ one of the two. But as he glanced at the photos lining his desk, it felt one had just appeared above his head, and he was reaching for the communicator before he had even marshalled his thoughts completely.

“McCree, can you come and see me?”

_Please let this help._

****

    Jack had abandoned all attempts at work, pacing restlessly across his office, eyes darting between the piles of folders covering his desk, the boards covering the far wall that detailed future mission plans and people to keep under watch, to the door and back again. It grated on him that there was nothing that he could do apart from reading through the reports, make notes of threats and plan upcoming missions, essential missions that might never happen. His stomach churning as he glanced up at the holo-screen that dominated the wall, red icons flagging high-risk areas, and intel flashed through his mind as his gaze darted from point to point. _Evidence suggests that Null Sector have been searching for remnants of the God Program._ That couldn’t be allowed to happen, most countries and even Overwatch were still recovering from the Omnic Crisis, he couldn’t let them stumble into another one. _Strike Commander Reyes was mentioned in several transmissions between Talon groups._ How many threats had there been against Gabriel? How many had they foiled? His shoulder throbbed, and he gripped it. What would they do if one happened now when they were off guard? _We are currently tracking a weapons shipment that contains decommissioned Bastion units… recent transactions show that Talon activity in Russia has increased…_     

    He couldn’t focus. There was a buzzing noise filling his head as he stared at it all, helplessness gripping him even though part of him was relieved…relieved that he couldn’t be out there, that he couldn’t shed more blood. _Accusing eyes…you made the wrong choice._ But it wasn’t enough to silence the fears, the feeling that he was failing in the one job he had set himself. That he had pushed himself to this point, lost more than he had ever realised and for what? To stand by and watch as threats slipped through the net…

    His office was too small, the walls closing in on him, rubbing his failures and limitations in his face and with an anguished noise that was too close to a sob for his liking he turned and bolted for the door. He needed to get away, and yet he knew that no matter how he went it would still chase him. If only he could leave the base. But where would he go? It had been over a year since he had last gone home and he was terrified that his family would look at him and find no trace of their son or brother. He couldn’t go to Gabriel’s family with what was happening between them, and there was nowhere else that he would feel safe, nowhere else where he could be anything but Jack Morrison, the hero of the Omnic Crisis and failed leader of Blackwatch. No, he was trapped, and bitterly he couldn’t help but think that Gabriel couldn’t have put a better iron cage around him.

   Blindly he headed down the corridor, not sure where he was going, just knowing that it needed to be anywhere but his office right now. He didn’t dare risk the training range again just yet, the memories of blood on his hands too close to the surface, besides he doubted Athena would let him in with his injured shoulder, and he felt himself shattering a little more at the loss of another sanctuary. Where else was there? He could go and see one of the others, hell, they had left him enough messages that he knew he would be welcomed, but he couldn’t - terrified that they would look at him and see how much he had changed, how close to the edge he was. He could take their disapproval at what he had done, their irritation at the distance he was putting between them, but he couldn’t take their pity.

    It was only when he felt warm hands gripping his arms, painfully reminiscent of that morning that he realised he had collided with someone, rocking back on his heels and blinking as focused on the present. It wasn’t Gabriel, relief flooding him at that realisation and it took him a moment to realise that it was McCree stood in front of him and at once he pulled back, practically yanking himself out of the younger man’s grip, praying that his expression a moment ago hadn’t been displaying his thoughts to the world.

“What do you want McCree?” It came out harsher than he had intended, and he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face and trying not to notice the way tawny eyes followed the gesture or the concern that darkened McCree’s face. “Sorry, it’s been a rough couple of days.” He almost wanted to laugh at his own words, how mundane he made it sound…a rough couple of days was those first few days of SEP when they had been forced to sit there and sign waiver after waiver, documents over what to do if they died, what story would be given to their family if that happened. The last few days, or rather the last few months had been hell, but there was no way he was going to say that when McCree already looked as though he was expecting him to fall apart.

“Yeah, I know,” McCree grimaced, and there was enough genuine emotion in his expression to bring Jack up short, reminding him that he wasn’t the only one being affected by the suspension and he felt a fresh spike of guilt. He had spent the entire day hidden, lost in his own thoughts, never even venturing out to check on his men, and he made a note to make the rounds in the morning, even if the thought of facing them left him feeling sick to the stomach. “I was wondering if there was anything that you needed help with?”

    It took a moment for the question to register and when it did Jack blinked, frowning in consternation, unable to recall a time when McCree had voluntarily offered to help with anything that didn’t involve shooting at things. The younger man was notorious for dodging anything to do with paperwork, and Jack had given up all hope of ever getting a mission report on time from him, which made the offer all the stranger, and he narrowed his eyes, studying McCree. He hid it well, but he was nervous, hands flexing in his pockets as he nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot and Jack felt a wave of something hit him as he realised that McCree had been sent to keep an eye on him, his shoulder throbbing as though to remind him of what had happened that morning. _Gabriel, huh…_ He knew that McCree was close to Gabriel, the latter having been one of his strongest advocates when Jack had been considering whether to give him a chance or not and yet he still felt a slight sting of betrayal, and he made no effort to keep the suspicion out of his next words.

“It’s not like you to volunteer to help with the paperwork.”

    McCree at least had the decency to look embarrassed, tugging at the edge of his hat and shifting back, almost as though expecting Jack to lash out and Jack couldn’t help but wonder what Gabriel had said to him, but then his expression cleared a little, and he looked almost like a typical frustrated agent. “I’m not used to just sitting around doing nothing, and there are only so many hours I can spend in the range before Athena starts nagging.”

“I…” Jack desperately wanted to refuse, to tell him to go back to Gabriel and tell him to mind his own business. He hadn’t cared about what was happening to Blackwatch, to Jack, before all this so why was he bothering now? Jack knew that wasn’t true, but the truth was harder to consider, and so he pushed it away, biting at his lip, before forcing himself not to snap at the younger man who was caught in a situation he didn’t fully understand. Hell, Jack didn’t even understand how he had got to this point, and so he softened his voice and attempted a small smile. “I’ll let you know.” McCree looked like he wanted to argue, uncertainty and something that Jack eventually placed as alarm written across his face. Was he worried about Jack? Or what Gabriel would say if he found out that he had been rebuffed? Jack didn’t want to know the answer, but he threw him a bone anyway because it was easier than fanning concerns that he didn’t know how to deal with. “Thank you, Jesse.”

“Sure thing, Boss.”

     Jack fled after that, muttering a short goodbye and highly aware of the eyes boring in his back as he hurried down the corridor, but to his relief, McCree didn’t follow, and once he was safely around a couple of corners he stumbled to a halt and sank against the wall. _Damn it…_ He had known that there had to be more, there was no way that Gabriel would just ignore what had happened in the early hours, but to involve McCree…his hands curled into fists at his side, and he wanted nothing more than to go and find Gabriel and scream at him for getting others involved, for flagging his weakness to others.  But he knew that would just reinforce Gabriel’s concerns and to be honest the thought of exchanging angry words with the other man made him want to cry, and he sagged, wanting nothing more than to bury his head in his hands and make the rest of the world disappear. Instead, he forced himself to straighten, feeling as though someone had strapped lead weights to his shoulders and feet as he staggered forward, desperately trying to muster a somewhat normal expression for fear of encountering anyone else.

_I’m going to be fine, I have no other choice._


	3. Chapter 3

    More days had passed, and Jack found himself teetering closer and closer to the edge with each one that passed. What little sleep he managed to get was restless and haunted by accusing eyes and cold words, made worse by another run-in with Gabriel.

_He had been making the most of a moment of solitude, a rare commodity since Gabriel had ordered him to let McCree help with the ever-growing pile of paperwork. He had tried to argue that he didn’t need a minder, but he knew that he didn’t really have a leg to stand on after the scene in the training room, although in the end, it had been the worry that Gabriel hadn’t been able to mask that had silenced his arguments. It didn’t mean he had to like it though. As much as he liked McCree, it was another loss of freedom, and it cut deeply, which was why he had been more than happy to let the younger man go when Genji had challenged him to a competitive training match._

_He should have known it wouldn’t last, starting badly when there was a sharp knock on the door and before he could even call his unwelcome visitor in the door had opened, and Gabriel had stridden inside. He scowled at the intrusion, trying not to remember how he had welcomed such visits, in the beginning, pushing himself up in the chair and hoping that he didn’t look as exhausted as he felt. From the way Gabriel’s expression tightened a touch of hesitancy replacing his previously determined expression, it was wishful thinking, and he sighed, glancing away._

_“What do you want?”_

_“I…” It was clear that Gabriel was debating whether to go through with whatever he had come to discuss and Jack growled under his breath, he wasn’t that fragile. Yet… He ignored that thought, forcing himself to meet Gabriel’s gaze and letting his irritation show in his voice._

_“What. Is. It?”_

_“Your report,” Gabriel replied tersely, and for the first time, Jack noticed the file he was carrying, mouth going dry at the sight of it. It had taken him hours to write that report, and he had lost count of how many versions had wound up being destroyed._

_“What about it?” Don’t make me talk about it, he wanted to plead, not sure that he could put everything that had happened into words even now. He knew that wasn’t an option though and he wasn’t surprised when Gabriel closed the distance between them, setting the file firmly on the desk in front of him, making it impossible for him to hide from its presence. “G…Reyes?” He was forced to ask when Gabriel said nothing else. He had never been good at outlasting the other man, but with his nerves stretched thin by everything going on around him there was no way he was going to win today, and to be honest, he couldn’t be bothered playing games._

_“It’s succinct. Too succinct.” Gabriel replied, and Jack flinched at the emphasis, aware that the report was too short. But what more did he want? It contained all the facts: the intelligence that had led to the mission, the mission briefing, all transmissions between his team and the base and the results of the operation. His thoughts must have been written across his face because Gabriel sighed, tapping the file, voice surprisingly soft. “You need to provide a fuller report of what happened, especially with those kids.”_

_Kids. Jack flinched, wishing that Gabriel had used any other word to describe them, although he knew that it wouldn’t have made any difference. But Kids…kids were those like a scrawny McCree backed into a corner of the interrogation room, waiting for the guillotine to fall or Lena who was slowly adapting back to life in her own time, or Genji who was struggling to adjust to his new existence and yet simultaneously embracing all the opportunities that his family had denied. Or little Fareeha who had nearly every agent on the base wrapped around her little finger. He swallowed thickly, accusing eyes flashing through his mind._

_They were kids._

_Kids who should have had the same opportunities as those in his care._

_Kids that he should have been able to save._

_“Jack? Jack Morrison!” Gabriel’s sharp voice and the use of his full name dragged his attention back to the present, and he blinked, feeling his heart hammering in his chest, his throat feeling tight and he realised that the strange sound he had been vaguely aware of was his own ragged breathing. Kids, …they were kids… “Jack, did you hear what I said? I need a fuller account of what happened.”_

_“N-No,” it was shaky but defiant, Jack lifting his head just in time to catch the incredulous expression that greeted his words and for a split second, he felt the urge to laugh._

_“No?”_

_“I have nothing more to say.” It was a lie. He had plenty to say - apologies, memories of blood on his hands and accusing eyes, regrets…but he didn’t have the words or the strength, and he bowed his head, waiting for the storm that he could see building in Gabriel’s eyes._

_“How am I supposed to defend what you did if you won’t explain it to me?” Gabriel demanded. “How am I supposed to protect you?!” The desperation in Gabriel’s voice surprised him. Why did he care? It had been a long time since he had seen Gabriel this passionate about anything and he hastily quelled the bitter thought that it was too little, too late, knowing that the blame for that was shared equally between them. What he couldn’t quell though was the thought that Gabriel was only this determined about this because he had seen how close to breaking Jack was…was he just trying to patch up the damage? Stop a bigger explosion? Jack didn’t want to know the answer to that question, stomach-churning unpleasantly as he held up his hands in surrender, lacking the energy to fight any longer._

_“Maybe you shouldn’t.”_

     Jack sighed, the words haunting him even now, made worse by the growing feeling that he had been right. That it would be better for everyone if Gabriel just gave up on him…better for Gabriel, for Blackwatch, for Overwatch…for him. However, he knew that Gabriel wouldn’t do that even if he felt that he should and he wanted to hate the other man for that, even as he was grateful to him for doing his best to protect his agents. He knew that meetings were going on even as he sat there working slowly through the piles of files, reviewing the mission, reviewing every decision he had made. _You made the wrong choice._ Eventually, he knew that he would be called to speak to them and that his report would have even more fingers pointing at him. Just as he knew that he was cutting himself off from those that were only trying to help him, but he honestly didn’t care.

_Kids._

_I killed them._

_I made the wrong choice._

     At some point, it had become a mantra, the words continually running through the back of his mind, sometimes it was his own voice he heard but more often it was Gabriel’s or worse -  it was a young voice crying out for help, for retribution. At first, he had been able to block it out by training himself to exhaustion, overriding Athena when she had tried to prevent him from entering the training rooms the second day after his injury, and he had a feeling that it would only be a matter of time before she raised the issue with Angela. It was a moot point now because the last day or so it hadn’t mattered that he was practically on his knees by the end of his session, the words had still been there, and if anything, they had increased every time he had fired his rifle. The bots pained cries morphing into human voices that had him falling to his knees and clasping his hands to his ears.

“Commander Morrison? Boss?” Jack blinked, drawn from his thoughts by the soft almost wary voice, startled to remember that he wasn’t alone as he lifted his head to see McCree watching him with open concern. Jack wanted to curse, whether at himself for forgetting that the younger man was there or at McCree for being there, terrified about what his expression might have shown.

“Sorry, what is it?” At least he sounded vaguely normal, although from the way tawny eyes narrowed it wasn’t enough and he braced himself, waiting for McCree to say something, to call him on it or go running to Gabriel. Instead, McCree stared at him for a moment longer before sighing and holding out the file he had been reading.

“You should probably handle that one,” he replied voice even. “It mentions the Deadlock gang.” It was a believable excuse as beyond the initial information he had provided, he had been reluctant to be involved with anything to do with his old life, but Jack had a feeling that he had looked for something that could be used as a distraction. Not helped by the way McCree’s lips had twisted up into a grin, one that was almost enough to fool Jack into thinking that he was in the clear. Almost. Because he knew better than anyone just how good McCree had become at hiding his true thoughts, and Jack knew that he would be watching, waiting for another slip as he took the file and opened it, his throat tightening as he forced the next words out. Knowing that he owed the younger man for the distraction, and for not saying anything even if that was nothing more than a brief respite.

“Thank you.”

**

     A few hours later and they were finally done, and Jack quietly waved off McCree’s invitation to join him for food, begging weariness and while he could see that McCree wasn’t convinced he couldn’t really argue against it. Jack wasn’t blind, he knew that he had growing shadows beneath his eyes and the tan he had managed to get in the field was slowly giving way to an unhealthy paleness. Normally he wouldn’t have drawn attention to his exhaustion, but it was better than admitting that he didn’t want to eat because his stomach was tying itself in knots with each repeat of the mantra in the back of his head. Finally, McCree nodded and left him alone, but not before glancing back over his shoulder and promising to see him in the morning and Jack had to fight the urge not to snap at him, to snarl at him to stay away and stop pretending he cared.

    He held his tongue, beating a swift retreat in the hope that he could get back to his quarters without running into anyone else. The high spirits that had initially greeted the unexpected downtime had evaporated after a couple of days, and he could hear his men whispering, see the doubts that they hadn’t yet raised to his face and to be honest he had nothing for them. No reassurances. No promises. Nothing. So, he was relieved to find the corridors devoid of life, at least until he turned the corner to the hall that led down to his rooms just as a voice rang out.

“Jack! There you are.” _Ana._ Jack cursed as he recognised the voice, contemplating his options even as he questioned what she could be doing down here. Not that he really needed to ask… _Gabriel._ He gritted his teeth, eyeing the distance to his room. Could he make it? However, any thoughts he had of making a run for it went out the window a moment later when another voice shouted his name.

“Uncle Jack!”

_Fareeha._ Jack ached at her voice, and he couldn’t resist turning to look at her, a good thing too because she was charging at him and he barely managed to catch her as she sprang at him, automatically spinning her around before lifting her into a hug. “Hello kitten,” the nickname fell easily from his tongue as he shifted so that he could tug lightly at her braid, feeling something easing just for a moment as she giggled before pressing a kiss to his cheek, wiggling to be let down a moment later and with a sigh he deposited her back on the ground. “Ana.”

“Fareeha wouldn’t stop begging to come and see you,” Ana explained, and Jack could tell from her tone that she was telling the truth, immediately feeling guilty for thinking that she was only here because Gabriel had asked. “You should come to dinner, it’s been ages since you last ate with us,” Ana continued softly, no inflection to her voice and yet Jack immediately had to look away, shame colouring his cheeks. _Ages._ She made it sound as though it was nothing, as though he had just been too busy, but when he forced himself to look up and meet her gaze, he could see that she knew better. His stomach tightened as he realised she had obviously been speaking with Gabriel about him, that she knew he was falling apart and it took everything he had not to physically recoil at that realisation, although he couldn’t hold her gaze.

     Thankfully Fareeha was oblivious to the tension, lunging towards him again and latching onto his arm once more, eyes wide as she stared up at him. “Please come! I’ve missed you!” The sincerity in those simple words and the hope in her eyes made his heart ache, and he found himself unable to look away from her, remembering how it had felt when he had realised that he couldn’t even remember the last time he had spent time with her. “Uncle Hardt is going to be there, and Uncle Gabe and…” She was rambling now, voice rising with excitement and her grip tightening as though that would be enough to convince him.

    Jack could no longer hear what she was saying, static filling his ears as he stared down at her hands which were now wrapped tightly around his. Tiny hands. Innocent hands. His vision wavered and blurred until all he could see was crimson and accusing eyes, only this time it wasn’t the teenagers he had fought but Fareeha. It was Fareeha who had declared that he and Gabriel were her ‘Uncles’ months ago, who pestered him endlessly with questions and yet loved nothing more than curling up next to him to watch a movie or read a book. Fareeha who had made him dream about a family in the future, and now it was Fareeha staring up at him with burning, accusing eyes. _No! No! NO!_ He wrenched his hand out of her grip, barely hearing her frightened cry or Ana’s muffled curse as he staggered back, shaking his head wildly from side to side.

_No…I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t…_

    It didn’t sound convincing even in his own mind, and his hands curled into fists at his side. _Would I make that choice?_ He felt sick just at the thought of it, but it wouldn’t leave, and he could feel it taking hold, slipping in amongst the mantra still running through his mind.

“Jack?” Ana was there now, nudging Fareeha gently to the side and perversely that made Jack feel better because there was less chance of him doing anything with Ana there to stop him, but the relief was short-lived because Ana was reaching for him, face twisted with concern. “Jack, talk to me.” It was an order, one that he would’ve obeyed without hesitation not that long ago. But not today. How could he talk to her? How could he tell her what he was thinking about? That he wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t hurt Fareeha one day? Bile rose at the thought of voicing that thought, of seeing the betrayal, the anger - the hatred that would inevitably follow, and he shuddered feeling like a coward even as he retreated out of reach.

“I…I can’t,” Jack stammered, trembling as took a couple more stumbling steps backwards as Ana tried to reach for him again, tensing when he heard Fareeha beginning to sniffle. _Don’t cry…_ He was hurting her even when he didn’t want to, and he felt something shift and shatter when he risked a glance in her direction, taking in the tears on her cheeks. Tears that he had caused. _I’ll never make you cry Kitten -_ he remembered making that promise one afternoon. The two of them huddled under the covers with brownies and an ancient Disney movie on the holo-screen that neither of them was paying attention to, Fareeha sniffling as she told him about a boy in class who had started teasing her after she had put him on the ground during a P.E. class. He had held her when she cried, encouraged when she planned to call the boy out and promised that he would never make her cry.

_I broke my word._

“I’m sorry.” He was sorry for too many things, those two little words barely enough to scrape the tip, but they were all he had right now. Fareeha said something, her voice clogged with tears but he couldn’t make it out as he continued to back away, carefully avoiding meeting either of their gazes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered once more before turning and bolting, feeling more of himself falling apart even as he heard Ana calling after him in alarm.

_I’m so sorry._

**

     He had no idea how he had made it back to his quarters, not even the sight of the empty room, the spaces where Gabriel’s belongings should’ve been giving pause this evening as he stumbled through to the bathroom. He barely made it to his knees in time, clutching at the rim of the toilet with shaking fingers as he threw up what little McCree had forced him to eat that lunchtime.

_Fareeha._

_Tears._

_Blood._

_Kids._

_I’m sorry._

    The splintering that had begun with the sight of her tears was spreading, the mantra in the back of his mind reaching fever pitch now, Fareeha’s face becoming interchangeable with that of the teens and he gasped, stomach convulsing. There was nothing left to bring up, foul tasting bile flooding his tongue and yet he was still heaving. Wishing that he could purge the memories like this, tears and snot running down his face as he slumped against the toilet.

_I killed them._

_I made the wrong choice._

    He had no idea how long he sat there, the toilet pretty much the only thing keeping him upright, but gradually the urge to vomit faded away, leaving him feeling sore and empty. Reaching up he flushed the mess away before letting himself topple until he was leaning against the wall instead of the toilet, weakly scrubbing at his face to try and remove the mess, before letting his head fall back against the tiles as he squeezed his eyes shut. _I’m okay. I’m okay._ He snorted, he couldn’t even lie to himself anymore, opening his eyes to stare blankly across the bathroom.

_I’m not okay._

    He remained where he was for a few more minutes, trying and failing to keep his mind empty, just breathing and feeling his stomach settle a little more. Eventually, though he had to move, groaning as he pushed himself to his feet and staggering slightly, but he steadied after a moment and straightened, one hand resting on his aching stomach as he stared at the doorway. He should just have left the room. He should just have headed back to the bedroom and given in to the urge to topple into bed and curl up, preferably sleeping until all of this was over although he knew that was unlikely to happen. Instead, he found himself turning just enough to glimpse his reflection in the mirror above the sink.

    The stranger was there again. But there was something about the hollow, haunted eyes that drew him in and he turned completely, taking faltering steps forwards until he was directly in front of it, reaching out to grip the basin and he studied his reflection. He had known that the long days with little to no sleep and the stress of the last couple of weeks…months…had been catching up with him, but the man in front of him was a mess. The bags beneath his eyes were dark enough to make it look like he had been punched, and he looked as though he could topple over at any moment, lines that hadn’t been there that long ago now etched deeply in the skin around his eyes and mouth.

It couldn’t be him.

    Yet it was because when he blinked so did the stranger in the mirror and when he tried and failed to twist his lips into something resembling a smile, the reflection grimaced back at him. _I’m not okay._ There was no way to pretend otherwise, not when he was met with his own empty stare or when he searched his own face for some sign of the man he had been.

    He wasn’t sure what it was, or if it was everything washing over him at once, but a strange noise that was half anguish and half fury escaped as he found himself lashing out. Not sure whether he just wanted to destroy the stranger in the mirror or himself as well. The mirror shattered under the blow, shards flying off and leaving behind a distorted image and as he stared at the broken mirror, at the blood staining the edges, matching the pain that he was vaguely aware of in his hand Jack broke. It wasn’t like the splintering that had occurred at the sight of Fareeha’s tears. There was a brief second and then his breath caught, everything rising and falling in an instant, shattering around him and Jack screamed.

**

   Gabriel was breathing heavily as he skidded to a halt outside of Jack’s rooms. Ana had come to fetch him, a crying Fareeha in her arms and it had only taken a quick glance and Fareeha sobbing out Jack’s name to have him taking off across the base, shouting that he would take care of it. Now staring at the door to what had been their rooms he was less confident. He wanted to take care of it. He wanted to help Jack. But it seemed that everything he tried to do these days went wrong, and he hesitated, did he really want to risk making things worse? It had been a long time since he had seen Ana look so unsettled…so afraid. She had always been unshakeable, and in fact the only time he could remember a similar expression on her face was when Fareeha had ended up in the infirmary after a nasty tumble down the stairs - a tumble that had nearly killed her and had left her in bed for a couple of weeks even with the technology they had at hand.

If Jack had put a similar expression on her face…it was bad.

    Even if he screwed up completely there was no way he could leave knowing it was that bad, so gathering his courage he reached out to knock. His knuckles had barely brushed the surface when there was a loud crash from inside the rooms, followed by an anguished cry that had his breath catching in his throat, and for a moment he was frozen in place. _Jack._ The silence that followed had him fumbling with the keypad, about to use his override when something prompted him to use his old code. The code he had made the day they had officially moved in together after Reinhardt had loudly demanded to know how long they were going to keep up the pretence of not living together. He waited for the red light to flash, because surely Jack would have removed him from the access, especially after the last few months but there was whirring sound, and the light shifted to green as the door swung open.

_Jack…are you really going to let me in?_

    Quelling the surge of hope that greeted that thought he stepped inside and hastily closed the door behind him, whatever was happening, he didn’t want anyone else to see Jack like this. The small living area and kitchen were empty, although he didn’t miss the pile of coffee cups in the sink or the fact that something was beginning to smell. Little hints that fanned his concern because Jack had never been too keen on relying on coffee especially when it had so little effect on them and of the two he had always been the tidiest. _Jack, what else have I missed?_ He ignored how lifeless the room seemed, the fact that even the odds and ends that Jack owned seemed to have disappeared off the shelves along with his own stuff and instead headed for the bedroom.

“Jack?” He called, waiting for a half a minute before entering the bedroom, feeling a pang of something as he stared at the familiar bed and the bedside tables that had once been covered with photos. Longing? Regret? Probably both and more he realised, staring at the messy, unmade bed - Jack had always been a stickler for bedmaking, to set in military ways after so long, whereas Gabriel had revelled in the freedom they had here. “Jack?!” He raised his voice this time, concern inching towards full-blown panic when there was still no reply, but there was noise he realised, gaze darting to the door that led through to the bathroom.

    Quietly he inched closer, listening intently and feeling a wave of anguish when he realised that what he was hearing was keening. It was so soft that it was barely audible, but it was enough to cut him deeply, and he closed his eyes for a moment. He had never heard Jack sound like that. He had seen Jack fall apart, seen him mourning friends, seen him weeping and hollowed out after he had come back from a mission to the news that his Grandmother who had spent more time with him than anyone else in his family had passed away, but none of that came close to the broken noise he was hearing. “Jackie…” His voice broke, and he swallowed thickly, he was the wrong man for this, and he hated that realisation, but not as much as he hated the thought that his words might break Jack if he wasn’t careful, but he couldn’t retreat now that he heard Jack. “Jackie, I’m coming in. Is that okay?”

     There was no reply, and he was relieved because he honestly wasn’t sure what he would have done if Jack had told him to go away. Carefully he nudged the door open and inched inside, immediately smelling the arid smell of vomit in the air, but while it tugged unpleasantly at his nose, it was a smell that no longer had any power on him after SEP. There was only so many times you could throw up or watch your room-mate throw up before it became normal, expected, and he was grateful for that now as he took another step inside. Next, he saw the shattered mirror, glass shards covering the basin and the floor beneath it, breath catching at the sight of blood on some of the edges. _Jack._ Now his gaze was darting around, and it felt like he had been punched in the gut when he found Jack.

    Jack wasn’t a small man, and yet right now he looked smaller than Fareeha. Somehow, he had managed to wedge himself into the corner between the toilet and the shower, knees drawn up against his chest, one hand cradled protectively between them. It was bloody Gabriel realised with a sharp intake of breath, glancing at the mirror again. It didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened, and it wouldn’t be the first time, they had both broken things in a temper before, forgetting their own strength at times. But this-this was something different, because Jack looked even more broken than the mirror across from him, the low keening noise still filling the room as though he was completely unaware of Gabriel’s arrival and maybe he was, because he had his head buried against his cradled arm, his other hand buried in his own hair, knuckles turning white.

“Jack…”  Gabriel trailed off, realising that he honestly had no idea what to say. _What happened? Are you okay?_ The answers to both were both blindingly obvious and yet he knew they weren’t. This had been a long time coming, and because he had let Jack push him away he had no idea what else had led to this, and he bit at his bottom lip, anger rising for a moment. Anger at himself for being pushed away, and anger at Jack for trying to handle everything alone. In the end, he settled for asking softly. “What did you do?”

    Jack didn’t reply, but the painful keening noise gradually faded away, although Jack was still trembling and still hiding and Gabriel felt utterly out of his depth. “Jackie?” A flinch greeted the nickname that time, and although the reaction to a name that had once brought a smile to his lips hurt, it was better than being ignored and Gabriel took it as encouragement to inch closer. “Jack, can you look at me? Please?” Normally he would have made it an order and barked at the other man, and he could feel the urge rising, concern fuelling it, but he knew that wouldn’t help here. “Please Jackie, let me see.” _Please trust me,_ he wanted to plead, but he knew that he had no right to ask that right now.

    It was a few more minutes before Jack shifted, not quite uncurling from his protective ball, but lifting his head just enough to show that he was listening. And enough to give Gabriel a good look at the hand he was cradling, sucking in a sharp breath as he took in the torn and bloodied skin and the glint of glass in some of the cuts. _Jack._ It had to be hurting like hell, and yet he had a feeling that Jack was barely aware of the physical pain amid everything else. Cautiously he reached out and wrapped his fingers around Jack’s wrist, keeping his touch gentle as he felt Jack flinch again, although whether it was from the pain or the fact that Gabriel was touching him, he didn’t want to know. “I just want to look at it,” he explained, startled when Jack let him pull the hand towards himself but not commenting, instead taking the opportunity to study the injury, hissing in sympathy when he realised there was more glass than he had initially thought.

“This needs to be looked at properly,” he murmured, not trusting his skills enough to patch this up, even if Jack had trusted him completely still he would have been reluctant.

“Then I’ll go and see Angela,” Jack whispered, the first words he had said since his arrival, and Gabriel ached at his voice. He had thought it was bad enough hearing him sound so defeated that morning on the training range, but this was worse. It was like Jack wasn’t even there, the words empty of any kind of emotion even as Jack tried to pull his hand away from Gabriel. “Let me go.” It was a plea, and Gabriel nearly caved, but he had a feeling that Jack was talking about more than his hand and terror broke through his restraint and instead he found himself tightening his grip on the other man, refusing to let him go although he was mindful of the glass.

“Damn it, Jack! Stop pushing me away.” _Please._

“…I have to.”

“Why?” Gabriel deliberately softened his voice again, it was the first time Jack had offered him anything approaching a reason for the distance he had put between them, and he wasn’t about to risk scaring him away. “Why do you have to push me away?” He prompted when the silence stretched on, worrying at his bottom lip when Jack hunkered down, gaze still fixated on the floor, and he sighed before hesitantly reaching out to grip Jack’s chin, not forcing him to look up, but lightly resting there in encouragement as he whispered. “Jackie, look at me.” He thought that Jack was going to ignore him, but then agonisingly slowly Jack lifted his head, still not meeting his gaze but at least more or less looking at him and Gabriel wasn’t about to waste that moment. “Why are you pushing me away?”

    Jack was still for a moment, gaze becoming more unfocused as he seemed to stare at something that only he could see and Gabriel was beginning to think that he’d slipped away again when Jack sighed, gaze finally focusing on him. “I-I’ve got to protect you.”

       Gabriel wanted to bristle at the very idea that he might need protecting, wanting to shout at Jack for destroying himself over such a silly idea, but he forced the urge back because Jack was staring at him with a frightening intensity. _He means it._ A shiver ran down his back because this was something new, something he hadn’t expected. Yes, they had always been protective of one another, watching each other’s back from the moment they had become roommates and later friends during SEP, but there was something in Jack’s expression that told him that this was something more, and so he swallowed the urge to snap, staring down at the bloody hand he was still cradling. “What are you protecting me from?”

“This,” Jack lifted his free hand reaching out to press trembling fingers against the Overwatch Insignia over Gabriel’s chest. “This puts you in danger…but I’m watching your back. I have to watch your back, that’s what Blackwatch is for, what my job is.” _And you stopped me…_ He doesn’t say it, but Gabriel can hear the words anyway and see them reflected in Jack’s eyes as he pulls his hand back, hunching in on himself once more and Gabriel’s heart ached at the sight.

“Jack…”

“But I wasn’t enough…I made the wrong choice.” He wasn’t sure if Jack heard him or he had decided to ignore him, looking at him it could be either. He hadn’t missed the fact that Jack was using the words he had flung at him, but Jack was still going, and Gabriel was reluctant to interrupt him, hoping that maybe if he got the words out, they might stand a chance of fixing this. “I wasn’t meant for this job.” It had been bad enough when he had admitted as much to Ana, to hear the same words now from Jack himself was a hundred times worse. _I’m so sorry Jack, I should have listened…_ He should have done many things he was beginning to realise, but that was the worst because if only he had listened to Ana and the few doubts that Jack had voiced, then they wouldn’t be here.  “I had to change…but…”

“But?”

“Who am I?” Jack’s voice rose, and there was a wildness in his eyes that frightened Gabriel, and this time when Jack tried to yank his hand free Gabriel let him go. “I don’t know anymore…the man in the mirror. He wasn’t me…I didn’t know who he was…” Jack was trembling worse than ever, curling his injured hand into a fist despite the pain it must have caused him, and Gabriel had no idea what to do, how to make this better, unable to do anything but watch as he realised just how badly broken Jack was.  “I lost too much of myself…I don’t know who I am anymore.”

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

    Gabriel stirred with a groan, stilling when something creaked beneath him, and he became aware of low noises, beeping and deep breathing. Sounds that meant that he wasn’t in his own room, and he automatically reached for a weapon even as he lifted his head, his searching fingers coming up empty just as he realised where he was. The infirmary. The creaking was the tiny plastic chair that had been forced to bear his weight, and he grimaced as he shifted, feeling his body protesting the uncomfortable seat but it was quickly dismissed as his attention turned to the bed.

_Jack._

    In the soft lighting of the infirmary, he looked worse and even though he was fast asleep now, his expression was still twisted with grief, lined with a burden that Gabriel was only just beginning to understand. _Who am I?_ He hadn’t been able to give Jack an answer the night before, hadn’t known what to say in the face of Jack’s anguish, rocked by the realisation that Jack was broken and that it had happened right under his nose. _I don’t know who I am anymore._ He should have told him that he was still Jack Morrison, that nothing would ever change that, but the words hadn’t come, and he knew that his silence had made things worse.

_Jack hadn’t fought him when he’d eventually moved him, wrapping up his bloody hand as best he could before guiding him to the infirmary, although by the time they had reached Angela’s domain he had been practically carrying him. There had been no protests, no fighting when Angela had taken one look at Jack and insisted that he was spending the night and Gabriel wished that he could see the compliance as a sign that Jack knew they were trying to help. Instead, as he watched as Angela carefully removed the glass, each flinch and soft noise of pain that Jack couldn’t smother hitting him hard, he realised that the wildness had faded from Jack’s eyes. Instead, it had been replaced by a blankness that scared him, and as he watched Angela trying to entice a response from the other man, he realised that Jack had given up at some point._

_That his silence had been the final straw._

_He had jolted forward, desperate to do something to correct that mistake, to make sure that Jack had something to hold onto. He could see that Jack was already falling asleep, aided by whatever Angela had administered while Gabriel was distracted and he had cursed as he nudged her out of the way, making sure that Jack could see him as he reached out and took his uninjured hand._

_“You’re still my Jack,” he had whispered, holding Jack’s gaze and praying that his words would reach him as the blue eyes slid shut. You’re still Jack._

_I hope._

    He had no idea if Jack had heard him, or if he would believe him and what made it worse was that he knew that he had given Jack no reason to believe him. _I screwed up._ The words he had barked at Jack back then haunted him now, because his mistakes, his decision to go with the flow and let Jack push him away had helped lead them to this.

“How do I fix this?” He asked softly as he leant forward, cautiously grasping Jack’s hand which he must have dropped in his sleep and lifting it, pressing his lips to the back it and frowning when he found a new scar that he didn’t know about. There had been a time when he had known everything about Jack, down to the slightest cut or bruise and he closed his eyes at the fresh reminder of what he had lost. What they had lost… “Jack, I…” _I’m sorry._ It wasn’t enough, and his fingers trembled as he reached up to ghost over the newly discovered scar, committing to memory even if he no longer had the right, remembering long nights spent memorising every inch of Jack’s body. Listening to Jack as he told him the story behind each one, from childhood escapades on the farm, fights with his siblings, screw ups in training. Little glimpses into the life that made the man in his arms. _I forgot…_

He couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself forget again. There was no hiding from how bad things had got while he had been looking elsewhere, and his conversation with Ana pressed in again, and he knew that the vague notion he’d had about making a decision was no longer enough. He had to make a choice before Jack broke completely and it was too late. _It might already be too late._ It might, he had to acknowledge that much as he studied Jack, taking in the deep lines that had crept in over the last few months, the evidence of worries and stresses that he had been blind too. But Jack was strong - he refused to believe that had changed and he knew that if he was no longer fighting alone, then he could come back from this. Not straight away, maybe not for months or years…but he could come back, and that meant that Gabriel still had everything to fight for.

_Think about what you want to do…_

_I want to help him. I want Jack back._  He snorted under his breath more bitter than amused as he realised that the answer had been there from the start, he had just been too stubborn to admit it, or to blind.

“I’m going to fix this.” _I promise._ It wasn’t going to be that easy. There was still the investigation to deal with, and now more than ever he wanted to keep Petras away from Jack. Then he had to find a way to get Jack out of here without painting targets on both their heads, but he would do it. He would do anything to banish the memory of Jack’s broken voice, the questions that he should never have had to ask. “I’ll be back soon,” he murmured, reluctantly setting Jack’s hand back on the bed and hesitating for a moment before leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to a pale cheek.

_Wait for me, Jack._

****

    When Jack finally woke it was to the sensation that he was clawing his way up through thick mud and he could feel himself faltering, wondering why he was even bothering. The weight that seemed to follow him constantly at the moment was heavier than usual, leaving him feeling as though he couldn’t quite catch his breath, as though he wasn’t really there. He realised why a couple of minutes later when he managed to coax his eyes open, to be greeted not by the dull grey of his own ceiling, but the white tiles of the infirmary and his stomach twisted unpleasantly as he realised he was in the infirmary. Terror gripped him for a moment. Had they seen him break? Did they know? Was it over? His breathing was speeding up, bile rising in his throat and he pushed himself upright not wanting to throw up on himself, gasping as pain lanced through his hand and as he glanced down and took in the bandages wrapped around it memory came rushing back.

Ana.

Fareeha…

The Mirror...

The Stranger…

     He could remember it all becoming too much, could remember lashing out and feeling as though he was coming apart at the seams. He could remember screaming, and he closed his eyes as the memory of his own voice twisted until it was other, younger voices he could hear screaming. _No. NO. NO!_ What had happened after that? He clawed desperately at his memories, trying to remember if only to keep those memories at bay…there were fleeting images…Gabriel had been there, he could remember that much, could remember gentle fingers and soft words. Pity. The other man hadn’t been that gentle with him for a long time, and Jack felt sick for a different reason as he remembered finally breaking completely, asking Gabriel who he was. Admitting just how much of himself he had lost just to try and fit into the job he had been given. And Gabriel…he hadn’t been able to answer him.

_Because I pushed him away._ Jack tried to tell himself, knowing that he was to blame for that, but there was another insidious voice fuelled by the realisation that he was on his own that he couldn’t entirely silence. _Because he doesn’t care…_

     He sat there for a minute, unable to argue against that thought. How many times had he ended up in the infirmary? Too many times to count, and yet even when things had begun to splinter between them, Gabriel had always been there the next morning, exhausted and grumpy, usually ready to lambast him for being careless. But he had always been there, relief in his eyes even if he was busy scolding Jack and now as he stared at the empty seat beside the bed it was another loss…a loss too many…he could feel the sob coming even before it slipped out, and frantically he fisted the sheets, ignoring the pain from his hand as he fought to hold back another and another, chest heaving as he tried to force them back. _He knows I’m a lost cause,_ it seemed like an inescapable fact right then, and he squeezed his eyes shut, a hollow laugh bubbling up instead of sobs.

“He’s right.”

      Once the awful, empty laugh had faded, he slowly opened his eyes again, still staring at the empty chair. _He’s not here._ Pushing back the pain, feeling it grate against the already broken parts of himself he pushed the covers away. He needed to get out of here. He knew that Angela would be along soon, that she had to know at least a little of what had happened because there was no way Gabriel would have dumped him here without an explanation and he couldn’t bear the thought of more pity. Someone, he refused to acknowledge that it must’ve been Gabriel had brought him a clean uniform and left it folded neatly on the counter, although he faltered at the sight of the Blackwatch insignia, feeling more pieces breaking off even as he clumsily pulled it on.

“Commander…” Athena had detected his movement, and he grimaced at the disapproving tone, before sighing as he lifted his head.

“What?”

“You are supposed to be resting.”

“I have to work.” Work was the last thing he wanted to do, especially when he remembered McCree’s promise to help again today and for a moment he faltered. Would McCree know what had happened the night before? His chest felt tight as he sucked in a breath. He was trapped wherever he went, but McCree at least would hide his pity around him, and that was the most he could ask for right now.

“I should alert Dr Ziegler.”

“No!” Jack swallowed, realising that it had come out too urgent when there was a strained silence and he cursed before taking a deep breath. “That’s not necessary. I’m just going to be in my office, and she has already dealt with my hand.”

“But…”

“Enough Athena,” he cut across her, more weary than irritated. “I will be fine, and I don’t want you to contact Ziegler, that’s an order.”

“Understood Commander.” If an AI could sound petulant then Athena did, and Jack rubbed a hand over his face but fought back the urge to say anything else. Instead, hurrying for the door before he could be delayed any further, growling at Athena when the light on the door flickered red for a moment before finally turning green as he shoved impatiently at it.

    He knew that he should head back to his rooms and clean up properly, but the thought of setting foot in that bathroom again had him trembling and sweating, and with determined steps, he turned and headed down towards the Blackwatch levels. Hopefully, he could shower down there before getting to work, and he was sure that they had a camp bed floating around that he could use that night if - when he couldn’t face going back to his rooms. It wasn’t much, but it calmed him to have a plan, although he knew that at some point he was going to have to face Gabriel. And there went the calmness, the tightness in his chest returning at the mere thought of the conversation he knew they were going to have.

“Commander Morrison.”

    For a moment he froze, caught up in his thoughts of facing Gabriel and trying to explain what had happened the night before, to pretend that it had just been a bad day and when he lifted his head he was expecting to find Gabriel looking at him. Instead, he found himself staring at an unfamiliar agent, the younger man shifting awkwardly under his gaze and he sighed, trying to pull himself together and not get distracted by the thought that once upon a time he had known the face and name of every agent in Overwatch and Blackwatch. _How things change._

“Sorry,” he coughed to cover the way his voice caught, forcing a weak smile onto his lips as he saw the other man looked even more nervous. “I was caught up in my own thoughts, what can I do for you…?”

“Agent Liam Howard, Sir.” Jack tried not to flinch at the respect behind the title, but he failed, and he could see the surprise and the flash of curiosity before the other got himself under control again. “I’ve been asked to escort you to the conference room.” It felt like someone had just doused him in icy water and for a moment Jack couldn’t speak. He had known that it was coming, had been waiting for it… anticipating it…but now, feeling like he could come apart at any second the mere thought of facing the questions, the accusations had him trembling.

“W-Who is asking for me?” He didn’t bother to hide the waver in his voice this time, there was no point, it was all going to be over after this. It had to be, and damn it he shouldn’t have felt the flicker of hope that came with that thought, but he did, and he closed his eyes.

“Director Petras.” _Of course,_ Jack took a deep breath. All he had to do was claim responsibility, tell them he had screwed up and made the wrong choice and surely, they would have to let him go. Petras hadn’t been happy with his appointment in the first place so he would leap at the chance to get rid of him. _It’s not that simple._ He knew that knew that there was more to it than this mission, but he couldn’t bear to consider the thought of being forgiven for his part in this mess. “Sir?” The quiet question reminded him that he wasn’t alone and he opened his eyes again, his smile a little more genuine this time because soon he would be free. _He had to be…_

“Lead on Agent Howard.”

_Sorry Gabe, it looks like you will have to wait a little longer for your answers._

_****_

     After an exhausting morning chasing down contacts and information in his search for a way to get Jack out of the position he had put him in, the last thing Gabriel had been expecting was to return to the infirmary to find the bed empty and a worried Angela waiting on him.

“I thought you were supposed to be keeping an eye on him?” He knew that he shouldn’t have snapped at her even before her expression darkened, but damn it this was Jack…Jack, who less than a day ago had been falling apart in front of his eyes.

“He was resting,” Angela replied coldly, and he winced, knowing that he would be paying for his question for some time to come. “Peacefully.” He blinked at that, remembering how stressed Jack had looked before he left. Had that been because he was there? He swallowed hard at that thought, barely tuning in again in time to catch the last of what she was saying. “I can’t be in here all the time Gabriel, and I didn’t think he was going to bolt.”

“I know.” _Neither did I._ He had let himself believe that Jack’s compliance from the night before would carry over, and while he doubted that Jack was any better than he had been the night before, it was just like him to be too stubborn to let that stop him. Pinching the bridge of his nose and wondering just when everything had become so complicated he forced himself to meet her annoyed gaze. “I’m sorry.” Angela studied him for a moment before sighing and nodding.

“You’re forgiven this time.”  

“Strike-Commander.” They both paused as Athena spoke up, exchanging confused looks as the AI would rarely interrupt a conversation unless there was an emergency and Gabriel tried not to panic at the thought of Jack getting into trouble again.

“Athena?”

“I tried to stop the Commander from leaving, but he ordered me not to alert the doctor,” Athena sounded almost subdued, and Gabriel winced, shooting an apologetic glance at Angela who frowned at him before focusing on the AI.

“Is that all?”

“His biometric readings were all over the place,” Athena reported promptly, and Gabriel felt his concern skyrocketing, especially with her next words. “I do not think he should have left the infirmary considering the state he was in.”

“Should I alert security?” Angela asked.

“No,” Gabriel was quick to cut that suggestion off, not wanting to risk the situation escalating just yet. Besides he knew that it would be hard enough for Jack to accept that Gabriel had seen him in that state, let alone what he would do if more people witnessed it. “Athena, can you locate him?” He asked, before glancing at Angela who looked less than happy with his reply.  “I’ll find him, don’t tell anyone about this.”

“Sir…”

“Please.” He couldn’t tell her that he was buying time to find Jack a way out, to make sure that he didn’t end up like Lyons. Instead, he let himself shoot her a pleading look. “Let me talk to him first.” He could see her hesitate and then soften, knowing that she had been just as worried by the distance that Jack had put between himself and everyone.

“Fine,” she muttered, before turning stern once more. “Make sure you bring him back here though.”

“Of course,” he promised readily, even as he turned and rushed towards the door, hoping that he would be able to keep his word although he knew that if there were any sign that it would make Jack worse, he would break it without hesitation.

“And Gabriel?” He paused, glancing back at her and seeing the concern that normally she would keep masked written openly across his face. “Take care of him.” He nodded, unable to voice a reply. In the past, he would have greeted such a request with an offended expression and a soft ‘always’, but too much had changed, and when she made no effort to draw a better reply from him he knew that she had realised that too.

_I’m going to change that._

**

“Athena?” He demanded as soon as he was in the hallway, alarmed that the AI hadn’t come back with an answer already as there was only a couple of places on the base that she couldn’t penetrate and he tried not to think about what was going to happen if Jack had taken off completely.

“Commander Morrison is currently in the conference room.” Gabriel went cold at the quiet response. He had spent too many hours in that room over the past few weeks, and he knew even before he asked who had managed to get his claws into Jack while his back was turned.

“Who is he with?”

“Director Petras and the committee.” Gabriel cursed loudly, startling a couple of agents who had just turned the corner and he was grateful when they took one look at him before turning and heading back the way they had come. _Petras._ He should’ve known that the man wouldn’t wait any longer, and yet naively he had hoped that his efforts to shield Jack had either gone unnoticed or had been deemed acceptable, he was an idiot. “It has been registered as a private hearing.” He knew that he should be grateful for that much at least as Petras had been threatening a public inquiry, in the public interest of course, although he knew that the other man was using it as threat to keep in line and he found himself hurrying down the corridor, even as Athena spoke up more hesitantly than before. “Sir…”

“What is it?” He didn’t have time to waste on conversation. Jack hadn’t been ready to answer questions before last night and now. He didn’t want to imagine what Jack might say in his current state, or what Petras and the others would do if they realised just how broken he was.

“You are not allowed to attend.”

     It took a moment for the quiet words to penetrate his anxious thoughts, but when they did, he found himself drawing to a halt, snarling under his breath.

“What did you say?”

“Strike-Commander Reyes is not permitted to join the hearing due to a conflict of interest,” Athena intoned quietly, and he knew that she must’ve hacked into the room, an intrusion that probably wouldn’t go unnoticed, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about the fall out that might follow that. _Conflict of interest._ It was true, he couldn’t deny that, but it wasn’t as though it was anything new. Petras had known about it all along and allowed him to participate in the investigation, so why change it now? He could just have ordered him to be silent, told him that he was only allowed in as a witness…to lock him out completely…Gabriel growled, hands curling into fists at his side. What were they saying to Jack? What were they planning on doing?

_Jack…_

****

_He wasn’t free…_

.   Jack could barely see where he was going as he stumbled out of the conference room. He had tried to hold himself together in front of them, but he wasn’t sure that he had succeeded and right then it was hard to care because it hadn’t been enough. He had told that it was his fault, had taken full responsibility, his mind full of accusing eyes and harsh words He had even said to them that he would resign if that were deemed necessary, trying not to show just how much he wanted them to say ‘yes’. It hadn’t mattered. He had realised an hour in that even though his answers should have given him a fast ticket out the door, they weren’t going to let him go, not that they had said as much.

_The investigation is ongoing_

_We will have more questions for you._

_New measures will be introduced to make sure this doesn’t happen again._

    He had wanted to laugh at the last one. New measures. New restrictions were what they meant, and he felt sick as he felt new chains rising and twisting around him. _He was going to be trapped more than ever._  Didn’t they realise that if they wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again they just had to get rid of him? A small part of him knew that it wasn’t that simple. That if he hadn’t acted that day, it would be his body that had been brought back, that there was no guarantee that anyone who replaced him wouldn’t be faced with the same choice. It was hard to listen to that part of himself though, not with the mantra in the back of his mind reaching fever pitch once more and he gagged, clapping a hand to his mouth as it felt like he might throw up again, everything rising once more.

“Jack!”

_Gabe._ He didn’t try and correct the nickname this time, instead lifting his head and staring wide-eyed at the other man, flinching back as Gabriel reached for him as he wavered. _No._ He shook his head and took several unsteady steps backwards, ignoring the pain that greeted the motion. Why was he here now? He hadn’t been there that morning, he hadn’t been in the hearing - so why bother showing up now? He opened his mouth to ask before snapping it shut without a word, realising that he didn’t want an answer, that he didn’t want to hear Gabriel confirming his earlier thoughts and fears. “Don’t…” He whispered instead, realising that Gabriel was still trying to reach for him, voice cracking in the middle and then he was running. Running and stumbling, unable to focus on anything but the fact that he wasn’t free and that he had to get away…from Gabriel, from himself…from everything.

**

    Gabriel cursed as he chased Jack down the corridor. He hadn’t moved from his spot outside the conference room, determined to be there for Jack when he came out, but unprepared for the sight of Jack stumbling out looking more lost than ever. The fact that Jack hadn’t even noticed him doing little to help his concern and his worry had outweighed the hurt when Jack had recoiled for him. But he hadn’t expected Jack to bolt, and he couldn’t quite subdue the fear that flared up as he realised that Jack was heading upwards towards the roof.

“Athena, close the roof access!” He shouted as he ran, but he knew that it was too late when there was no immediate response from the AI and he cursed and sped up, nearly knocking an agent flying as he turned onto the last corridor. He didn’t waste time trying to apologise, ignoring their startled cry as he continued on his way, skidding as he turned onto the staircase that led up to the roof, taking the stairs two at a time, chest heaving from exertion.

     The door was wide open when he reached it, and he was vaguely aware of a quiet apology from Athena, but he ignored it, stepping out onto the roof and immediately searching for Jack. Terror gripping him for a minute as he realised just how close to the edge Jack was, taking little comfort from the fact that Jack didn’t seem to be moving any closer and that his gaze was fixated on the sky and not the drop that stretched out beneath him.

    He took a deep breath before taking another step out onto the roof and then another, watching for any sign that Jack knew that he was here or that he was going to react badly to his presence. Moving to the side, he paused for a moment, just studying the anguished expression on Jack’s face, the despair that seemed to be coming off him in waves. It hurt. As much as the emptiness from last night had scared him, it hurt to see Jack so obviously in pain and to have no real idea how to help him. Yet he had to try and taking courage from the fact that Jack didn’t seem to be reacting negatively to his presence he inched forwards again.

“Jack?” A tiny flinch greeted his voice, reassuring him that Jack at least knew he was there and he waited for a moment before taking another step closer.  “Jackie, what are you doing up here?” He wasn’t really expecting an answer just yet, it was more to remind Jack that he wasn’t alone and to keep him distracted while Gabriel got close enough to stop him if he tried anything foolish, which was why he was startled by the soft reply a moment later.

“Thinking.”

“About?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” Jack sounded lost, confused by his own words and Gabriel paused as he tensed, hands curling into fists at his side. It must have hurt. Angela had done wonders for his hand, but even with that and his enhanced healing, it would take a few days to heal. “I don’t know anything anymore.” It hurt to hear those words and Gabriel’s heart ached, as he remembered the broken questions from the night before and he forced himself to move closer again.

“Can you try telling me?”

     Jack slowly tilted his head to look at him, and Gabriel’s breath caught as he found himself pinned by haunted, blue eyes. He waited for Jack to snap at him, to be pushed away again, but Jack sighed and looked away, staring out over the base once more. “They’re not going to get rid of me.” He replied _._ Gabriel was so startled by the response that it took a moment for the words to register and he bit back a growl because Jack sounded so devastated by his own words, as though the fact that he wouldn’t be punished harshly for a mission gone wrong was the worst thing in the world.  “I could see it in their eyes. They don’t care about what I did…those k-kids…they’re just going to slap me on the wrist and let it go.”

“Jack…” _That’s a good thing,_ he wanted to say remembering when the mission details had first been leaked. The outcry had been terrible, and he had thought that they were going to court-martial Jack there and then, had spent the last couple of weeks desperately trying to mitigate that response. Was I wrong to do that? He didn’t want to believe that. He knew that his angry words had given Jack a completely different impression, but he had never really blamed Jack for what had happened. Not deep down where he still knew how difficult those missions could be, how easy it was for something to go wrong, for innocent people to be caught up in them.

“I killed them.”

     Gabriel flinched at the stark statement. Worse he couldn’t argue against it because he knew that Jack had been the one to fire, that their blood was on his hands even if he hadn’t had any other choice but to take the shot. “Yes,” he whispered, taking another step and then another. Jack was within reach now, and he could see how badly he was trembling now and his heart ached at the sight. “I know, but Jack?” There was no reply, but he had a feeling that Jack was still listening and gathering his courage he took a final step forward and wrapped his arms around Jack. “Maybe it shouldn’t have happened, but I know you.” He felt Jack flinch at that, guilt surging as he remembered that he didn’t really - not anymore, but he refused to take the words back. “You didn’t want to kill them. Tell me, did you shout at them to lay their weapons down? Did you plead with them to stop? Promise them that there was a way out?” He didn’t need the way Jack started fighting against him to know that he was right, because Jack had always been the same, always trying to offer a hand to enemies who might need a second chance. “Did you?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Jack was fighting more desperately now, but it was more like he was fighting himself that Gabriel and it was easy enough to hold on to him, even while being mindful of the bandaged hand. “It doesn’t change anything. I killed them! I KILLED THEM!” He was sobbing now, collapsing back against Gabriel who caught apologies and echoes of his own harsh words amongst the sobs even as he carefully lowered them both to the ground.

“It does,” he said softly, cradling Jack against him, absorbing each sob. “It does matter because I know you, Jack. I know that you wouldn’t have fired if you had any other choice, even if it meant that you got injured or the mission failed.” How many times had he scolded him for doing just that? Now he regretted every word, because perhaps if he hadn’t reacted like that Jack wouldn’t think that it didn’t make a difference, and he found himself blinking back tears as he tightened his hold on Jack. “It does matter.”

“No…it…I…” Jack couldn’t get the words out, choking on his own sobs and eventually he gave up, twisting just enough so that he could bury his face against Gabriel as he began to sob in earnest. He was gripping at Gabriel now, fingers clawing at him hard enough to bruise and Gabriel let him, letting his own head come to rest against Jack’s as he settled in to wait him out.

_I’m so sorry Jack._

 


	5. Chapter 5

    When Gabriel woke the next morning, he was alarmed to find himself pressed up against a warm body, and he twisted around, only to come up short at the sight of Jack curled against him. The evidence of his tears was long gone, but he looked pale and washed out and even as Gabriel watched he stirred, forehead creasing uneasily. However, it was the whispered apology that had him moving closer, wrapping his arms around Jack and shushing him softly although he knew that the other man was still asleep. It seemed to help a little though because Jack settled, pressing his face against him, fingers clutching at him and Gabriel sighed as he buried his nose in Jack’s hair.

_It had taken Jack a long time to cry himself out, but Gabriel didn’t care, just holding onto him as he let it all out and if a few tears of his own had slipped out then it didn’t matter. Eventually, though Jack had quietened, slumping in his arms and letting Gabriel take most of his weight, at first Gabriel had suspected that he might have dozed off but when he looked down Jack was staring up at the sky with red-rimmed eyes._

_“Jack?” He whispered, shivering at the empty gaze that was focused on the sky and nudging Jack softly when there was no reply. “Look at me?” He wasn’t sure that he wanted that empty gaze fixed on him, but he needed Jack to listen to him, and so he waited with bated breath as Jack blinked before slowly letting his gaze shift until it was focused on him.  “I know that it’s going to take time for you to believe me when I say it matters.” If you ever do, he added silently. “And I don’t pretend to understand everything you’re going through, but there’s something I need to ask you.” Something painfully close to fear flashed through Jack’s eyes at that, and he bit his lip, wondering if it was too soon. But time wasn’t on their side, and he was relieved when Jack nodded faintly. “Is that okay?” He asked again, needing to make sure, knowing that Jack was too close to the edge for him to be careless at this point_

_“A-Ask.”_

_“What do you want to do?” He could almost see Ana’s approving nod in the back of his mind, but his attention was riveted to Jack’s face and the surprise that had greeted his question, and there was a painful pang as he realised why he looked like that. “I haven’t asked you that in a long time, have I?” He hadn’t really needed an answer to that, and he sucked in a sharp breath when Jack gave a tiny shake of his head, but before he could become lost in self-recrimination there was a gentle touch on his arm, and he glanced down to realise that Jack was gripping him lightly._

_“I…I haven’t asked myself either…” It wasn’t an absolution, but it helped, and Gabriel closed his eyes, floored by the fact that Jack was trying to offer him some comfort even when he was still trembling, the evidence of his tears written across his face._

_“We’ve both made mistakes.” He felt Jack flinch and knew that his thoughts had gone to the distance between them and he hastily pushed on before Jack could get caught up in that. “Well, I’m asking you now. What do you want to do?” Jack was staring at him now, uncomprehending or rather confused, as though he wasn’t sure whether this was really happening or what Gabriel really meant. “You said that they wouldn’t let you go. Is that what you want? To leave? Or a different job? Or…?” He trailed off not wanting to put words in his mouth, this had to be all Jack._

_“I…” Jack started and trailed off, lips twisting in a frustrated grimace as he glanced away. He looked lost still, although there was something. Not quite hope, almost as though he was too frightened to take that final step not that Gabriel could really blame him. “What I want?” Gabriel nodded, knowing that Jack was watching his reactions although his attention seemed to be riveted on some distant point. “I…I want to leave.”_

_The admission when it came was so soft that Gabriel might have thought that he was imagining things if he hadn’t seen the longing that passed over Jack’s face, followed by defeat. “But I can’t. They won’t let me go!” His trembling was increasingly again, and Gabriel knew that he was going to shatter again if he didn’t do something and he reached out, gently caressing one tear-stained cheek and waiting for Jack’s gaze to slowly return to his face._

_“You want to leave?” It wasn’t really a question, but Jack nodded all the same. Part of him wanted to curse and scream that things had come to this, remembering how optimistic they had been when they had been told that Overwatch was going to become an official organisation and that they would be getting the chance to shape it. Another part of him was relieved. There had been many times since his promotion when he had wondered what he was doing, missing the days when life had been simpler, and all he had to worry about was surviving. He had pushed those thoughts away because everyone he cared about was here - Jack was here, and even beyond that, leaving was never going to be an easy option. Now, however… he met Jack’s gaze, seeing the desperation in their depths and the faintest hint of hope and his lips quirked up into a tiny smile. “If that’s what you want, then I will make it happen.”_

_“You can’t…”_

_“Yes, I can,” Gabriel cut across him, knowing where the doubt came from and knowing that his own actions had done little to help and he made sure to hold Jack’s gaze. “I promise.” He could see Jack studying him, searching for any hint of a lie or uncertainty and he held still, even as he missed the way that Jack had trusted him without question in the past. Whatever Jack had been looking for he seemed satisfied, relaxing slightly, although there was a lingering hesitation as he asked._

_“R-really?”_

_“Really.” His mind was already racing, working out what he could do, knowing that it wouldn’t be easy but also determined that there would be no other outcome. Distracted by his thoughts, he was caught by surprise when Jack suddenly moved, twisting in his arms to hug him, shuddering as fresh sobs wracked him, and Gabriel froze, terrified that he had pushed too hard or said the wrong thing. It took him a minute to realise that Jack was whispering into his shoulder, clutching at him as though he was the only thing holding him together._

_“Thank you…Thank you…Thank you….”_

     Gabriel sighed pulling back so that he could study Jack. That hug and those whispered words were the first sign he’d had in months that Jack still trusted him and the fact that Jack was here…he wanted to smile, and yet he couldn’t escape the fact that Jack was teetering on the edge, or the fear that if he slipped again then nothing, Gabriel said or did would be able to pull him back again.

    It was that fear which had made him give in to Jack’s pleading the night before when he had tried to guide him back to the infirmary. He had managed to message Angela so that she would know that he had found him, but he had a feeling she would be on the warpath this morning. Still, it had been worth it when Jack had melted against him, relieved not to have to deal with anyone else just yet and he hadn’t fought when Gabriel had insisted that he stayed with him. Although he had a feeling that had more to do with not wanting to face the mess in his bathroom and the evidence of what he had done, than wanting to go home with him, but it was a step forward.

    Jack was stirring again, and he cautiously loosened his hold in case he panicked, feeling the way that Jack tensed as he realised he wasn’t alone and half expecting him to lash out. Instead, Jack pulled back and blinked up at him. He looked ready to fall asleep again, not that Gabriel was surprised as neither of them had slept well after the events of the previous day and what sleep they had snatched had been interrupted by frequent dreams. He could see the flicker of guilt in Jack’s eyes as he studied him and he sighed, offering him a weary smile in the hopes of heading it off.

“Morning.”

“Morning,” Jack whispered after a moment, voice hoarse and Gabriel winced in sympathy. He had tried to get him to eat and drink the night before, but Jack had been too wrung out and had fallen asleep nearly straight away. Reluctantly pulling away he reached for the water he had left on the bedside table in case Jack had needed it during the night, not wanting him to venture into the bathroom alone just yet, although he had carefully put a towel over the mirror just in case.   

“Here,” he held out the glass, waiting for Jack to sit up before handing it over and pretending not to notice how Jack’s hand trembled as he took it. He waited patiently as Jack drank, studying him with worried eyes even as he remembered happier mornings when Jack would crawl back into bed to drink his morning coffee, the two of them squabbling as Gabriel tried to steal sips from his mug rather than getting up to make his own. When Jack finally lowered the glass, he leant forward to take it back, hesitating for a moment before asking. “How are you feeling?”

“I…” Gabriel could see the lie forming, but before he could say something, Jack sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat as he shook his head from side to side.  “I don’t know.” He sounded frustrated and lost, and Gabriel reached out to grasp his hand, squeezing softly until Jack looked up at him, before trying to reassure him.

“That’s okay.” He was relieved that Jack hadn’t tried to lie. There was no point in trying to hide it at this point, and he knew that answer had been another attempt at trusting him, knowing that Jack had been waiting for him to complain about the vague answer or to be irritated by it. Jack looked startled by the easy acceptance, colouring slightly as he glanced away and Gabriel let him, not releasing his grip on his hand, but not pushing either.

“You kept it…” The quiet murmur caught his attention, and he looked over, following Jack’s gaze, his expression softening as he realised that he was staring at the photo on the bedside table. It was one of the first pictures of the two of them, one that Ana had taken and framed for them, scribbling on the back ‘We know’ to let them know their attempts at keeping their relationship under wraps had failed. He couldn’t help but smile at the memory, remembering how Jack had squawked when he read the message, turning bright red before hiding in the bathroom until Ana had gone.

“Of course,” he replied after a moment, smile fading slightly when Jack turned to look at him with wide eyes, the surprise painful to behold.  “I told you I missed you, Jackie. I always hoped…”

“Me too.”

“But…” Gabriel couldn’t help but protest, remembering how empty Jack’s rooms had been. All traces of their relationship wiped away, and the photos in his office had disappeared months ago. Jack must’ve guessed where his thoughts had gone, his expression darkening as he glanced away.

“I didn’t throw them away…I couldn’t.”

“Then…”

“They’re in my locker,” Jack whispered, answering the unspoken question. “It just hurt too much to go home and see them.”

     Gabriel closed his eyes at that admission. The events of the last couple of weeks had already been enough to tell him that he had missed many things, but it had always seemed to him that Jack was handling the distance better than him. Those quiet words had just torn that thought to shreds. _Jack._ He knew that now wasn’t the time, there were too many other things that needed to be dealt with first, but he couldn’t stop himself from hoping that with time they could repair things and he jolted when fingers tentatively curled around his. “I’m sorry Gabe.”

“Don’t apologise,” he opened his eyes, glancing down at their tangled fingers for a moment before lifting his head to meet Jack’s gaze once more. “You don’t need to apologise,” he repeated firmly, unable to bear the thought of Jack apologising for falling apart under the pressures of a job that he should never have been given. “This is enough,” he lifted their hands for a moment. “The fact that you’re here, and that things are going to be okay with time.” _I’m going to make sure of it…_

“But what if I’m not okay?” Jack asked quietly as he glanced down at his bandaged hand which was resting loosely in his lap and Gabriel sighed, knowing that it was a valid concern. Getting Jack away from here was only going to be the first step, and he tried to ignore the small part of him that wondered if anything would be enough - if Jack could come back from this. Instead, tightening his grip on Jack’s hand.

“Then we’ll deal with it.”

“We?”

“We,” Gabriel nodded firmly. “I’m not going anywhere, Jack.” Jack’s eyes widened, no doubt catching the meaning behind his words and Gabriel smiled and nodded in confirmation, unsurprised when Jack baulked slightly.

“But…”

“I am not going anywhere,” he repeated firmly, hesitating for a moment before leaning in. He kept his movements slow, giving Jack a chance to pull away but he seemed to be frozen in place, and cautiously Gabriel brushed their lips together. It was barely a kiss. A fleeting, chaste touch but it felt like coming come, and when he pulled back again, it was to see Jack raising bandaged fingers to touch his lip. “This is my decision.” _This is what I want…_

    It was apparent that Jack didn’t know what to say and Gabriel cautiously reached out and pulled him into a hug to spare him from struggling for the words. Just the fact that Jack let him was enough, for now, curling against him, fingers tangling in his t-shirt. They were still a long way from resolving anything, and he knew that once Jack was on slightly more even ground he might retreat again, that this moment of relative peace was likely little more than a lull in the storm. He didn’t care. The decision had been made, he knew what Jack wanted and what he wanted…and he had a chance now to repair the distance between them, anything else could be dealt with later.

****

    Gabriel sighed as he stepped into his office, glancing at the flashing light on the communicator that indicated he had dozens of messages already waiting for him. It had been midmorning before he had managed to extract himself from Jack who had fallen back into an uneasy doze in his arms, and if he could have got away with it, he would probably have stayed with him. However, Athena had quietly interjected with messages from Angela, McCree and Petras and he knew there would be more, and he didn’t want to work in his rooms, catching the haunted look that had passed over Jack’s face when he had stirred enough to realise what was happening. He had been quick to reassure him that he didn’t have to do anything and that he was welcome to stay, hating that such simple words had been enough to make Jack tense up, eyes suspiciously damp before he had nodded.

     It was that image which made it harder than usual for Gabriel to head for his desk and the piles of files, and no doubt irate messages that were waiting for him. However, there had been another reason for giving in and going to work, and his expression hardened. He still didn’t know exactly what he was going to do, but he’d made a promise to Jack, and he had no intention of waiting to keep it.

   Reaching his desk, he sank into the chair, glancing at the pictures lining it before taking a deep breath and reaching for the communicator and hitting play. He was unsurprised when Petras’s voice was the first to greet him, expression darkening as he listened to the man’s account of Jack’s hearing, hands curling into fists as he caught the disproval, the mocking that was being aimed at Jack, flashing back to how Jack had looked when he had stumbled out of the conference room. _Jack…_ Growling under his breath, he cut the message off halfway, unable to listen to anymore. He had been hoping that he might be able to use the Director to resolve this issue, but listening to Petras, he couldn’t help but agree with Jack’s assessment. They would complain and condemn Jack for what had happened, but they wouldn’t let him go and for a moment all Gabriel could see was Lyons.

He couldn’t let that happen.

    He hesitated for a moment as his gaze returned to the photos. He hadn’t been happy about leaving Jack alone, but after everything that had happened he hadn’t been sure how Jack would react to company, but with Lyons’s image at the forefront of his thoughts he wasn’t willing to take that chance. He couldn’t go back yet, Petras needed to be dealt with before the situation could get any worse and with a sigh, praying that he wouldn’t regret it later he reached for the communicator, waiting impatiently for it to connect as he stared at the old, smiling Jack.

“Ana, I need your help.”

****

“Ana…Fareeha…” Jack didn’t know what to do or what to say as he opened the door, freezing as he realised who was there and staring at them with wide eyes, wishing that he hadn’t opened the door even as he waited for the recriminations and disappointment that he was sure were going to come his way. Instead, he found himself falling back a moment later, caught by surprise by the sudden weight that had attached it to himself, and it was only when he landed on the bed, arms automatically rising to catch her that he realised Fareeha was hugging him tightly. “Kitten?”

“I’m sorry I upset you!” Fareeha was sniffling again, and he stilled, not sure what to do or say, but when she made to pull back he wrapped his arms around her.

“I think that’s my line…” He was trembling, wanting to comfort her, but feeling the same memories rising again as he felt her gripping him. _No. NO. NO!_ His alarm must have shown in his face because suddenly Ana was there, gently pulling her daughter away and resting a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly as he fought to get his breathing back under control. “I’m okay…” It came out as a weak whisper, and he was unsurprised when Ana snorted at his words.

“Sure, you are.” There was no recrimination in her words, and when he risked a glance at her, he was stunned to see the pain in her eyes, and he ducked his head again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” He jerked at hearing Gabriel’s earlier words again, and she chuckled softly at the reaction. “I take it you’ve heard that already.” He didn’t answer, but he knew that in itself was an answer, unsurprised when she laughed again before wrapping an arm around him. “Good, I won’t need to have words with him. Now, are you going to offer us tea?”

“Tea…?”

“Gabriel didn’t want you to be alone,” Ana admitted, and Jack blinked, startled by the blunt honesty, but welcoming it after all the veiled excuses and distance, and numbly he nodded. He wasn’t sure that he wanted company, breath quickening when Fareeha scrambled to sit next to him, everything still close to the surface, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be alone. Last night had been the first time he had felt like maybe there was still something left of the old Jack. Remembering how it had felt to be in Gabriel’s arms even if he had been fighting him at the time, and there was an echo of that feeling now as Ana stared at him expectantly and Fareeha rambled in his ear.

    Jack squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden sting of tears, trembling as accusing eyes flashed behind his closed lids. _You made the wrong choice. You shouldn’t have another ch…_ “Come on Jack, let’s make some tea.” Bless Ana, her voice was soft, the tone she usually reserved for Fareeha when she was ill, but her hand was on his shoulder once more, squeezing just as the guilt threatened to swamp it once more. He wanted to thank her, but the words wouldn’t come, the mantra in the back of his mind refusing to be silent but he managed to nod, obediently following when she pulled him to his feet and guided him through to Gabriel’s tiny kitchen with Fareeha following.

****

      Gabriel took a deep breath as he signed the document in front of him before slipping the sheets into the envelope and sealing it firmly, before glancing up at the clock. It was nearly time. After a disastrous call with Petras, he had realised that the only way he was going to be able to keep his promise to Jack was to circumvent the Director. A strategy that could go horrifically wrong if he miscalculated even slightly. It was a risk he had to take. He had spoken briefly with Ana, and he knew that Jack was wavering again, the edge still closer than he realised and he knew that the longer he delayed, the more likely it was that he would lose Jack.

“Strike-Commander?”

“Yes, Athena?”

“The Press is gathering as requested,” Athena reported. “Also, Director Petras is on his way, should I delay him?” Gabriel grinned slightly at the request, wondering when the AI had decided to side with them because there was a definite note of distaste when she mentioned the Director. As amusing as it might have been to see how she would delay him, Gabriel wanted this over with, highly aware of the fact that Jack was waiting for him for the first time in months.

“No,” he glanced at the envelope in his hands before setting it firmly on the desk. “Tell him that I am in my office and let him in when he arrives.” That would buy him a little bit of time to get to the Pressroom and get started without interference, and not even Petras would interrupt him once he was underway.

“Am I to direct his attention to the letter?”

“Please,” Gabriel nodded, patting the letter once more before rising to his feet. He glanced around the office once more, feeling a strange sense of loss even though this room had seen some of his worst moments over the last year. Still, it was outweighed by the feeling of pressure being lifted from his shoulders, and his hands were steady as he smoothed his uniform before heading for the door, Athena’s voice ringing out behind him before the door could slide shut behind him.

“Good luck, Strike-Commander.”

****

“Jack, I think you should see this!”

      Jack had been dozing lightly on the couch, Fareeha curled against him as she read to him, unfazed by the fact that her favourite Uncle was more asleep than awake. However, at Ana’s words he stirred, rubbing at his eyes before turning to look at her. “What is it?” Part of him wondered if he was about to get the lecture he had been expecting earlier, but then her words fully registered and he realised that her attention was riveted to the television and with a groan he pushed himself up, careful not to dislodge Fareeha, before he stilled as a familiar figure appeared on the screen. “Gabe…” _Did he change his mind? Is he going to break his promise?_

    Jack knew better, but he couldn’t stop the thoughts, and he jumped violently when Ana moved to sit on the arm of the couch, resting a hand on his shoulder to calm him. “Listen.”

    Used to obeying her, he settled and stared at the screen. Gabriel looked composed, but as he watched the other man began to tap anxiously at the edge of the podium and Jack blinked when he realised that there were no papers in front of him. Normally there would be at least a page of notes from the press office, if not a fully outlined speech. Now that his attention had been drawn to that, Jack realised that there was less press than normal and in the background…he tensed as he spied Petras at the top of the steps, not sure what to make of the man’s concerned expression or the way he seemed to be debating whether to step in as Gabriel cleared his voice and stepped up to the podium. _What is going on?_

“…This has not been an easy decision, but Commander Morrison and I have decided that it is time for us to retire. Overwatch has become something more than either of us ever imagined during the Crisis, and it is time for that to be reflected by new leadership. The U.N. and Director Petras have supported us both throughout this decision, and I am confident that they will continue to support us, and that they will ensure that Overwatch continues to grow under their guidance…”

    There was a roaring sound in Jack’s ears. _Both of us? Gabe is retiring too?_ He had suspected it that morning with Gabriel’s declaration that he wasn’t going anywhere, but he hadn’t really dared to believe it, because Gabriel was good for Overwatch. He was needed. Jack wasn’t…

“Very clever,” Ana commented with an approving nod, interrupting his downwards smile and when Jack glanced up at her, he caught the smirk that was playing on her lips. When she realised that Jack was staring at her amusement faded and she sighed, realising that he wasn’t quite up to following everything that happened. “By mentioning them, he’s left them with no way to protest this decision, at least not without losing support.” Jack nodded, but he didn’t relax as he turned back to the screen, staring at it with a conflicted expression.  “Jack?”

“I…” He ducked his head, hating the fact that he was still doubting Gabriel but unable to stop the words from coming.  “I didn’t think he would really leave too.”

“Really?” Ana sounded incredulous, and he glanced away, barely aware of Fareeha cuddling closer in an attempt to comfort him and flinching as he heard the sad sigh that greeted his actions. “Jack, I know that he didn’t always show it very well, but he’s constantly worried about you ever since you took the Blackwatch position.”

“But…”

“Jack Morrison!” Jack flinched at his full name, but Ana didn’t stop this time. “How long have you known Gabriel? Do you really think he would have stood up and said that if he didn’t mean it? If he didn’t want to?”

“I…” Jack wanted to point out that he didn’t know anymore, that he didn’t even know who he was anymore let alone what Gabriel was like these days, but the words wouldn’t come. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to cling to the thought of being free, to the promise that Gabriel had made him the night before. But he couldn’t forget the hearing the day before or accusing eyes that haunted him, the words still replaying through his mind and he couldn’t forget that he had looked at his own reflection and seen no trace of himself. Nothing worth saving, and he choked back a sob, hunching in on himself as he felt Fareeha and Ana immediately trying to comfort him. “I don’t understand…why?”

_Why protect someone like me? Why keep a promise like that?_

****

    It was late evening by the time Gabriel finally managed to get back to his quarters, highly aware of the numerous messages that Ana had left on his phone. Petras and the Committee had been less than happy with his actions, but there had been little they could do, their attempts to change his mind had fallen on deaf ears, and there was no way they could deny him after he had publicly announced their support. It hadn’t ended pleasantly…with dire warnings that they would be kept under observation, and that any sign they weren’t ‘adapting’ to normal society would see them brought under U.N. jurisdiction at once, with little chance of appeal. Gabriel hadn’t been daunted, meeting their gazes evenly and promising them that once this was over and they had left, he never intended to see them again and that they certainly wouldn’t see Jack again.

    He doubted that was the end of it, and he knew that once they had time to recover from the surprise, their efforts would be harder to rebuff, but he had no intention of backing down. For now, though he banished those concerns as he let himself into his quarters, relieved to hear voices within which meant that Jack hadn’t been left alone, and he hastily removed his coat and hung it before moving through to the main living area, coming up short as he realised that there were more people than he had expected.

     Jack was curled up on the end of the sofa, looking as though he was dozing although as Gabriel watched his eyes would shoot open for a moment, take in the gathering before slowly slipping shut once more. Fareeha was curled against him, fast asleep and curled up under what he immediately recognised as McCree’s serape and sure enough, when he glanced through to the kitchen, he spotted the younger man talking to Genji who looked as though he wasn’t sure why he was there. Ana was against the far wall chatting with Reinhardt who was having to stoop slightly, as the low ceilings in this part of the base weren’t suited for his height. While beside them Angela and Tjorbörn seemed to be locked in debate and as he moved closer he heard discussions about nanites and labs, and ‘no your engineering is not the same.’

“Gabriel!” Ana was the first to spot him, smiling at him and he ducked his head for a moment, inordinately embarrassed by the pleased expression on her face.

“What is all this?” He asked once he had got himself under control, lifting his head and gesturing at the gathering, not that he was complaining as it felt like far too long since they had been together and he couldn’t stop his gaze from darting to Jack still dozing in the midst of it all. Ana followed his gaze, her expression softening although it was tinged with sorrow and he was caught by surprise as she moved across to him before answering.

“We wanted to do something to mark your decision,” she murmured, and he was about to make a joke about her being glad to get rid of her old boss, but she had already continued, and his humour faded with her next words.  “But, it was also to try and remind him that he wasn’t alone.”

“What happened?”

“He couldn’t understand why you made that decision,” Ana replied, and Gabriel growled under his breath, knowing that he shouldn’t be surprised and yet still hating the thought that Jack was still too far gone to grasp how important he was. He opened his mouth intending to say just that, but Ana cut him off with a small shake of her head. “You don’t need to tell me.” _No,_ he needed to tell Jack and keep telling him until he got it through his stubborn head and he grinned weakly at her, nodding in understanding, before lifting his head and his voice as he addressed the others.

“Thank you for this, I’m sure you’re all glad to be getting a new boss.” The mix of jeers and groans made him laugh before his attention was caught by a grumble from Jack who was stirring in response to the noise and his expression softened as he watched Jack blinking and rubbing sleepily at his eyes, catching the moment he realised that Gabriel was there.

“Gabe…”

      Ana moved aside, letting him walk across to the sofa and Gabriel was vaguely aware that the noise around them had stopped as he dropped into a crouch in front of Jack.

“Hey Jackie,” he murmured, reaching out to rest his hands on Jack’s legs and aside from a tiny flinch his touch seemed to be welcomed. “Are you okay?” Jack seemed to consider for a moment, conflicted emotions passing over his face and when he spoke, the words tumbled out in a rushed mess.

“Did you mean it?”

“Every word,” Gabriel knew what he meant, and he smiled, squeezing lightly and making sure not to look away as Jack studied him. “I promised you, didn’t I? And I told you that I wasn’t going anywhere …without you at least.”

“But…what if you regret it?” Jack whispered, not looking at him now and Gabriel sighed. Hesitating for a moment, aware of their audience, before reaching out and gently lifting Jack’s chin, so they were looking at one another.

“There are many things I regret.” _Too many,_ he amended silently and most of them to do with Jack and the job. Mistakes that when Jack was ready to hear the words, he would apologise for, but as much as he would miss Overwatch, he knew that this was the only choice he could make. The only one that he wanted to make. “But this isn’t going to be one of them.”

     Jack stared at him, eyes damp although he seemed too exhausted right now to do more, but after a moment or two something seemed to loosen in his expression. He wasn’t convinced, but he was starting to hope, and Gabriel watched with bated breath as Jack lifted his head, letting his gaze dart around the room, over the friends that he had worked so hard to push away…at the people he still felt were friends with a man that didn’t even exist anymore, before slowly his gaze returned to Gabriel.

“I’m not okay,” he admitted softly, and Gabriel nodded, knowing that it was far too soon for any other answer, although he was caught by surprise when Jack’s lips quirked weakly. “But maybe…” He glanced at the others, meeting Ana’s gaze for a moment, remembering her frantic reassurances earlier, her promises that one day he would understand why Gabriel had made this choice, and for the moment at least he thought that he might half believe her.  “Maybe one day I will be.”


End file.
